


Dejavu

by SeaNymph



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Deep deep angst, M/M, Tragedy, because this does involve death, im honestly sorry for writing this, or if you cant imagine your idol dying, please dont read if you can't handle angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 14:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17246165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaNymph/pseuds/SeaNymph
Summary: [BREAKING] NU'EST involved in a car accident that lead to the tragic passing of Hwang MinhyunWhen Baekho wakes up from his coma, his memory fails him. He finds that he has forgotten his members, his band, his songs—the past nine years are all a big blur to him.Slowly, his members fill him in on who he is, but they don't have the heart to tell him about Minhyun. Maybe it's better for Baekho if Minhyun remains forgotten...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What better way to spend the new years than writing a super tragic baekmin fic that could not possibly have a happy ending? ^^"
> 
> Anyways, yes, Minhyun dies in this. If you don't think you can bear imagining it, please don't read this. Personally, I find some solace writing real-life tragedy. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea though.
> 
> This fic was based on a prompt by @polarisydwd from Twitter!

**[BREAKING] NU’EST members were involved in serious car accident, all members undergoing emergency treatment**

**[BREAKING] Reports say that one NU’EST member has passed away**

**[BREAKING] Pledis Entertainment confirms that Hwang Minhyun has unfortunately passed away**

-

It hurt; that was the first thing that ran through Baekho’s mind as he suddenly regained consciousness. His whole entire body was in all kinds of pain.

Where even was he? He couldn’t open his eyes to make out his surroundings, because the light was too blinding.

He just heard the cries of his mother by his side. “My baby!” she cried, taking his hand and planting copious kisses over his skin. It hurt when she kissed him. He figured he was badly bruised.

Before he could force his eyes open to have a look at her, he felt he was surrounded by people fiddling about from around him—nurses, he guessed. From the beeping sound of the ECG machine, and the smell, and the fact he was in pain, it was easy to conclude that he was in the hospital.

“Mom,” he managed, finally opening his eyes after adjusting to the light.

“My baby!” was all his mother was able to say through her tears. He figured he wasn’t going to get much clarity from her about what the hell was going on.

His mind felt a bit airy, uncomfortably airy actually. It felt like there was void in there that physically hurt him.

He couldn’t remember anything. It hurt his brain to even try to remember.

Suddenly someone came rushing in. That person was crying.

“Baekho,” the guy said with trembling lips. “Thank God…”

That guy stood behind his mother, whose face was now buried in sheets covering him. He put his hand on her shoulder, as if trying to comfort her.

Baekho just blinked as he studied the young man’s face. Thin and tired. He had obviously been crying for a long time; it was clear from his disheveled appearance and the bag under his eyes. That face was familiar for sure, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on where he’d seen the young man before.

“Baekho,” the young man repeated; his lips began to quiver. The guy seemed to have a lot to say, but didn’t know where to start.

“I’m sorry,” Baekho replied, “but who are you?”

The young man froze, confused. Even his mother, who had been weeping, had gone silent and lifted her face from the sheets to stare at her son in bewilderment.

“What?” the light in the young man’s eyes died down.

“Just remind me… who are you?”

“Kim Jonghyun,” the young man answered. “Your bandmate. Your leader.”

_Bandmate_?

Baekho’s head began to hurt all of the sudden.

Just then another familiar face also walked in. He was also _so_ familiar, it hurt.

“Baekho!” the guy cried out, his voice scratchy and worn out.

“Do you remember him, Baekho?” the guy called Jonghyun asked, pointing to the new arrival.

“No,” Baekho answered.

“What? What’s happening to Baekho?” the new guy asked, looking toward the Jonghyun guy for answers.

“I... I don’t know,” was Jonghyun’s answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was truly painful to write the first part (the headlines). so painful that i was this close to quitting, but i didn't. i feel like the future events of this story could be equally painful if not more painful. let's hope I don't quit (or let's hope i do, depending on how you look at it!)


	2. Chapter 2

Apparently, Baekho had lost his memory. That was what Jonghyun gathered from a distressing conversation with the doctor.

“Give it time,” the doctor told him. “His memory might come back to him.”

“ _How much time_?” Jonghyun pressed.

The doctor looked like he was expecting that question, but still was reluctant to answer it. “It’s hard to say. Could be a day. Could be three years…”

“Could be never?” Jonghyun completed.

The doctor gave Jonghyun a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Memory loss is a very hard discipline to crack,” the doctor explained. “There’s nothing we can do. I’m sorry.”

_There’s nothing we can do. I’m sorry._

The words triggered flashbacks from just two weeks ago, flashbacks to a tragedy that had drowned Jonghyun in the deepest and most difficult sorrow he had ever experienced in his life. Though it has been two week, the scars it birthed were still fresh on his heart.

“ _There’s nothing we can do. I’m sorry.”_ The words another doctor had uttered to announce that one of his members, his best friend, his brother, was gone forever.

Jonghyun bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling. He didn’t want to cry again. He had to be strong for his remaining members now—what was left of them, at least.

He and Aron got out of the accident with minor injuries, but Ren, Baekho, and… and Minhyun did not. Ren broke three bones and was in a lot of pain constantly. Baekho broke four bones, ended up in a two-week coma, and was now experiencing major memory loss. Minhyun was, of course, gone. Forever.

He didn’t know how he, Aron, and Ren had endured the past two weeks. It was unbearably painful to see their brother off, like a piece of them had been chipped away forever. They had cried a lot and barely spoke. There had been no need for words; it was through silence that they expressed themselves best. Through silence that they extracted whatever comfort they needed from one another.

Two weeks later, the public seemed to have recovered from the loss of their beloved idol. Seventeen got back to filming their happy-go-lucky variety shows. Wanna One members were already smiling on public TV again. There was a dating scandal recently that took all the public’s attention. People were moving on. The press was moving on. But Jonghyun, Aron, and Ren could not.

It was as if their spirit had been drained.

And now Baekho with his memory loss, Jonghyun didn’t know how much more everyone could take.

After thanking the doctor, Jonghyun went back into Baekho’s room, and beheld a sight that made his heart swell.

Baekho was speaking with his mother and smiling. _Happily_.

God, how he had missed that smile. He missed seeing any of his members smile, actually. Neither Ren nor Aron had smiled at all the past two weeks. It was nice to finally see a member smile.

Innocence is bliss.

Baekho didn’t know what had happened. Who he was. Why he was there. Who he had lost. All he knew was that he had survived something tragic and was now witnessing his mother’s sobs of relief. He was happy to see her. Happy to be with her. Happy to be alive.

Jonghyun didn’t have the heart to interrupt Baekho’s innocent bliss. He left the room and closed the door to let the two of them have their moment. He didn’t want to barge in and ruin the atmosphere with the unfortunate news of memory loss.

_But is it really that unfortunate?_

Maybe this was a blessing in disguise?

Perhaps it was best that Baekho would never get to confront the death of Minhyun. Baekho would not be able to mourn the death of someone he couldn’t remember after all.


	3. Chapter 3

With two cups of vending machine coffee in his hands, Aron sat down beside Jonghyun in the seating lounge outside of Ren and Baekho’s rooms. Jonghyun had a blank expression on his face, with his eyes focused on nothing in particular. He was thinking about something.

Aron handed Jonghyun a cup, who accepted it silently, his eyes still in a haze.

 _When was the last time Jonghyun slept?_ Aron thought. His heart hurt for his leader, who had over-exhausted himself the past two weeks. Jonghyun barely had a few scattered naps in that very seating lounge. He barely ate. Barely spoke. Barely did anything to look after himself. Aron didn’t think Jonghyun showered at all since the funeral.

Aron took a sip from his own coffee cup and put it to the side, turning to give his full attention to Jonghyun.

“Hey,” he said.

Jonghyun didn’t respond. Aron didn’t really expect him to either.

“I heard what happened to Baekho,” Aron continued. “Don’t worry too much. I looked online and I found that most people with this kind of memory loss regain it eventually. It’s just a matter of waiting. But he’s alive and well; we should be celebrating.”

Jonghyun sighed deeply, a sigh heavy with all the regret and frustration that Aron knew was in their leader’s heart. Aron wished he could do more to support Jonghyun than bring him coffee and food every once and a while, but it was hard to get through to him these days.

Aron could only imagine how hard it was for his friend the past two weeks—traumatic to say the least. The pain was simply unspeakable for Aron himself, but Jonghyun was at least ten times more sensitive. Aron would never forget the day of Minhyun’s funeral, when JR cried his heart out into Aron’s chest repeating “ _I wish it were me instead. I wish I were gone, and he were still here.”_

“What am I supposed to do, hyung?” Jonghyun asked as he exhaled.

Yes, Jonghyun was talking to him! That’s more communication than he usually got from him in the past two weeks, and Aron was eager to take advantage of it.

“First, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others,” Aron said, hoping sincerely that his words would get through to him. “Go home. Sleep. Shower. Eat. I’ll stay here with Dongho.”

“But Dongho… he’s happy. He’s smiling, hyung. He doesn’t _know_ yet.”

“He doesn’t even remember,” Aron added.

“And I don’t want him to remember,” Jonghyun said, finally lifting his eyes to make contact with Aron for the first time. “I want him to forget, forever.”

“He’ll regain his memory eventually…”

“The doctor said it’s possible he never regains it. That possibility makes me want to never tell him about Minhyun.”

“I wish that could work, Jonghyun, I really do, but think about it. Minhyun’s voice is in our songs. His face is in our posters. His name is in our albums. He’s in the articles and the photos. How can you expect Dongho to remain a member of NU’EST and never learn about Minhyun?”

Jonghyun nodded in understanding, but he still seemed determined. “Could we just… not tell him for as long as we can?” JR suggested meekly. “He’s happy now. He doesn’t need to know.”

“Of course,” Aron agreed.

“I can’t imagine how I would tell him, hyung,” Jonghyun’s voice faltered, and Aron understood why. The thought of telling Baekho that Minhyun was gone forever was sure to get anyone choked up.

The truth was that Baekho and Minhyun had shared a special kind of relationship, one that went far beyond friendship. Aron had always said they were lovers who didn’t know they were in love (a saying that had always been met with absolute denial from both Minhyun and Baekho). Even if they denied being in love, they had completed one another; it was why they had spent so much time together, why they relied on one another, why all of their romantic relationships with other people were short-lived, because no other person had suited them better than they suited one another.

They were not just friends. They were _best_ friends. And if Minhyun had been around for a while longer, Aron was certain that they would have become so much more than that.


	4. Chapter 4

Since waking up from his coma, Baekho felt like he was being incarcerated, both physically _and_ mentally.

He was not allowed out of the hospital unless he was being transferred to the psychiatric ward to talk to another doctor who was supposedly going to “fix” his memory loss, but Baekho just found her annoying. She was treating him like a child, like he were innocent and dumb. Not to mention all of the restrictions she would place on him.

He was not allowed outside of the hospital. Not allowed to have his phone back. Not allowed to go on the Internet. The doctor said it was all for Baekho’s own “mental health” or something. As if he were mentally sound in the first place.

She was not the only one he found annoying. A few days after he awoke from his coma, visitors started to come in to see him, and they all treated him the same, like he was pitiful or something. He hated it.

He remembered everyone who came to see him: his friends, his family members, even company staff. It appeared like it was only the so-called “NU’EST” section of Baekho’s memories that was completely erased. Everything else was sound. It was weird, though, how he remembered most of the things that happened in the past seven years, but when he tried to think about it in the context of his life as a NU’EST member, he was met with emptiness.

“You say you remember Bumzu,” Aron tried to talk to him. “What do you remember doing with him?”

“Making music.”

“What happened to the music you made?”

“I don’t remember.”

That Aron guy also showed him pictures of him and his three other members (whose names he had now learned). He watched some of their recent music videos and performances. He listened to some of their albums. But none of them triggered his memory. It all sounded vaguely familiar, of course, like dejavu, but it never substantiated into anything in his head.

Still, his whole body reacted when he heard the music. At times, Baekho could even feel his muscles naturally move to the choreography of the songs, as if his body had a mind of its own, as if his body remembered but his mind did not.

“ _I know this song,”_ Baekho said as he listened to ‘Polaris.’ “I know it, but I don’t _remember_ it.”

That was how he usually described his confrontation with his forgotten past: something he _knew_ but didn’t remember.

It made Baekho very uncomfortable. It was a gaping void in his memories that made him feel incomplete and vulnerable, like his whole being was under attack. It was frustrating that nothing was coming back to him at all, even as the days went by and his body was recuperating.

However, he did enjoy talking to Jonghyun (JR?), Aron, and Minki (or Ren, Baekho was still confused about what he should call them sometimes). Something about them made his heart feel relaxed. They knew exactly what to say to him and how to make him calm down when he felt like he wanted to explode. They clearly knew him well. Baekho wished he could say the same for them.

Baekho asked them questions whenever they came by, hoping their answers could fill that gaping void. They answered, and Baekho tried to put that information in his head and store it until it was engraved in his memories. But it was not the same; being told you lived something is so different from actually living it.

At one point, he craved to know, and requested an Internet connection so he can at least do his own research and watch all the videos of NU’EST he possibly could…

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jonghyun told Baekho when he asked. “The doctor said…”

“Yeah, yeah. I know what the doctor said,” Baekho mumbled under his breath. That psychiatrist had this weird theory that if Baekho was fed too many memories all at once, his actual memories, the real ones, who recede out of his subconscious and never return at all. For that reason, Baekho was confined in the hospital, without his phone, without Internet, with no one but his members, the occasional visitors, and his room’s television to keep him entertained.

One day, as Baekho was flipping through the channels, he stopped to watch a music video he vaguely recalled. It was then that he saw a face which stifled him; it was a member of an 11-membered boy group, Wanna One.

Baekho remembered Wanna One. He remembered interacting with all the members in Produce 101. Yes, he remembered that competition. He couldn’t remember what brought him there and why he was participating, but he remembered the competition and most of the people in it.

 _Make me feel so high_  
michigesseo nal meomchul sun eopseo  
You make me feel so high  
I’m so crazy neoga nareul bon sungan

He knew the lyrics. He could put the names to all of the faces. There was Lee Daehwi; a spunky little fellow. And Kang Daniel, the nation’s pick. Ong Seongwoo, a funny guy. Lai Guanlin, the foreign, confused one. For all of them, he had a vague recollection of who they were and what they were like. But there was that one member of the 11 that he just could not put a name to.

But something inside him really loved that face. Attractive. Gentle. Sweet. Familiar. Eerily familiar.

The next time Jonhyun came to visit, Baekho asked. He wanted to be filled in on what his failing memory was hiding from him.

“Hey, you know that Wanna One group…”

Baekho couldn’t even finish his question, because he saw Jonghyun visibly freeze at the mention of Wanna One.

“What’s wrong? Why is do you look so grave all of the sudden?” Baekho asked.

“How did you know Wanna One?”

“I saw them on TV. And I remembered them. I remember Produce 101. I remember competing. I remember the friends I made there…”

“What else do you remember?” Jonghyun pressed. “Please, tell me everything you remember.”

Baekho relayed all his recollections to Jonghyun. About the people, the atmosphere, the songs he performed, the rankings. “I also remember the finale,” he added. “I remember being extremely sad during the finale, but I don’t remember why I was sad,” Baekho continued. “Why was I sad?”

“You see, we went on Produce 101 because NU’EST was not doing well, and we wanted to save ourselves,” Jonghyun informed him. “Produce 101 was kind of like a last-chance venture for us. All of us were sad the night of the finale,” Jonghyun paused, “because none of us made it in the end.”

There was an evident reluctance in Jonghyun’s voice as he said that, like he was holding back something important, something that Baekho _should_ know. He didn’t raise that suspicion with Jonghyun though, and instead requested for Jonghyun to show him Wanna One’s music video again.

After a moment’s hesitation, Jonghyun nodded. He took out his phone and showed him the music video for “Energetic.”

Baekho paused it only a few seconds into the video, and eagerly turned to Jonghyun. “Him. That guy playing the piano. What’s his name?”

When Baekho lifted his eyes from the phone screen toward Jonghyun to catch the answer, he was taken aback to see that the leader was trembling a little. The tremble came through in Jonghyun’s choked up voice when he responded: “that’s Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun.”


	5. Chapter 5

“That’s Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun.” Jonghyun had tried to control his voice and keep his emotions at bay when he said the name, but they were all too clear in the way he drawled out Minhyun’s name like it was the plague.

“ _Hwang Minhyun_ ,” Baekho repeated the name to himself. He seemed far too consumed with mulling over the name to comment on the way that Jonghyun had said it.

“Do you remember him?” Jonghyun managed to ask, “do you remember Minhyun?”

“No, I don’t, but he’s familiar. Am I close to him?” Baekho asked.

_Am_. Present tense. Jonghyun’s heart was already breaking.

“Well, am I?” Baekho asked again with narrowed eyes when Jonghyun took too long to come up with an answer.

Jonghyun couldn’t bring himself to lie to Baekho’s about something so serious. Perhaps now was the right time for Baekho to know the truth: “were,” Jonghyun confessed, slightly choked up. “You _were_ close to him.” With that, Jonghyun had assumed Baekho would get the hint, but…

“Oh,” Baekho pouted. “Did we fight or something?” Baekho continued his innocent interrogation.

Jonghyun’s heart dropped. He couldn’t find the strength to come clean. He gulped and decided to evade the question: “you guys used to bicker all the time.”

Baekho then smiled. _He smiled_. Why in the world was he _smiling_?

“Yeah, I can tell,” Baekho said, still smiling brightly. “His face looks like exactly the type of face that I would constantly want to fight. So annoyingly prim and proper.”

Jonghyun bit his lower lip and looked at the floor, as if that was going to help him keep all of his emotions from exploding out of him in that moment. Baekho was exactly the same about Minhyun as he had always been: starry-eyed in his own, mischievous, teasing way.

“You’re acting weird about him,” Baekho noted as he watched Jonghyun’s expression become blank. “Want to tell me why?”

The leader lifted his head and looked at Baekho, who was staring back with twinkling, curious eyes. Gosh, he was so innocent. So stupidly innocent, it made Jonghyun want to cry.

“Well?” Baekho pried when three seconds passed and no words came from Jonghyun’s lips.

Jonghyun couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t lie, but he also couldn’t tell the truth.

“Sheesh, I’ll just ask Aron-hyung or Minki,” Baekho scoffed. “You drive me crazy sometimes; no offense.”

Without saying another word, Jonghyun swiftly grabbed his phone turned to leave. That hospital room felt suffocating all of the sudden, and he vowed to never be alone with Baekho ever again. He couldn’t handle the pressure of trying to hide the truth, and the pressure of having to be the person to break it.

He slumped down in the waiting area outside of the room and rubbed his head. Why was this so hard? It’s been weeks since Minhyun died, but why was the wound still so fresh that it made him so dysfunctional?

How was he going to tell Baekho?

-

_Hwang Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun._

The name had been ringing in Baekho’s head since the moment he heard it.

_Hwang Minhyun._

Such a…  _comfortable_ name. Baekho didn’t know how to explain it, but hearing it made him feel happy: and that was just the name; the face did the exact same thing.

_Hwang Minhyun._

Baekho had only seen that face in a few cuts of a music video, but for some reason, those few glances were enough to draw Minhyun’s image in his mind. He could imagine every detail of Hwang Minhyun now, down to the four moles at the side of his neck. He was absolutely certain he didn’t register those moles from the music video. He must have known Minhyun very well before, which was why the picture was so easy to retrace.

_Hwang Minhyun._

He was so anxious to know who Minhyun was to him, and why the name was so sonorous. But Aron was not there to tell him, and Minki had physiotherapy sessions in another ward at the hospital.

_Hwang Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun. Hwang Minhyun._

The only person there with him at the hospital was Jonghyun, and he was acting so weird. Whatever it was that Baekho didn’t know, it must have been quite serious for the leader to have acted like that.

_Hwang Minhyun._

Baekho was going crazy.

_Hwang Minhyun._

Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t even wait for Jonghyun to come back, because a nurse had come to take him to the psychiatry ward so he can have another one of those stupid therapy sessions.

“Good morning Dongho. How was your day today?” the doctor said when he arrived at her office and was seated in front of her desk. She had such an obnoxiously positive, high-pitched voice that was so annoying to him, especially compared to the wonderful way the name _Hwang Minhyun_ had been resonating in his head.

How he wished he could just be alone with that name for a while, instead of having to listen to her.

“You don’t look like very happy today,” she noted. “Tell me, what’s on your mind?”

_“Hwang Minhyun,”_ Baekho blurted. If he had to talk about _something_ with her, might as well talk about him.

“Hwang Minhyun?” She kept a blank face. “And who is that?”

“You know who it is.”

“I want you to tell me,” she replied, looking at him carefully.

“He’s a member of Wanna One. They’re mega popular. Everyone knows them, even you.”

She hummed and began writing notes in her notebook. It always annoyed him when she did that.

“And did you remember that name by yourself?” she asked.

“No. I saw Wanna One’s music video and asked Jonghyun for the name.”

She nodded. “What about the other members of Wanna One? Did you remember them?”

“Yes, all of them, except him.”

“And when you saw Hwang Minhyun’s face, did you find him familiar?”

“Yes,” Baekho answered. “I did.”

“What did you remember about him?”

“Nothing at all. I didn’t remember him, but I just felt like I knew him.”

“Is that the same you felt when you saw your other members?” she asked. “Jonghyun, Minki, and Aron?”

“Yeah… kind of? I think?” Baekho thought about it for a second. “But, it was not really _exactly_ the same.”

“Yeah? How was it different?”

“Well, with the others, I saw them right in front of me. I just saw Minhyun on the screen. Plus, Minhyun is not a member of NU’EST, so I think it felt a bit different. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like… _dejavu_.”

“What else did Jonghyun tell you about Minhyun?”

“Nothing much. Just that we used to be close and then we fought or something, so we’re not close anymore. I think. He was being very weird. When I asked him for more details, he just ignored me and left.”

“I see,” she said. “And now you’re curious about this Hwang Minhyun, I presume?”

“Yes, I am,” Baekho told her. “I’m just waiting for Aron to come by, and I’ll force it out of him.”

“Usually, a person with amnesia still has their memories hidden somewhere in their subconscious,” the psychiatrist began explaining. “That’s why it feels like dejavu when patients are confronted with their forgotten loved ones. The fact you felt familiarity when you saw the face of Minhyun says that this Minhyun is there in your subconscious somewhere, he just hasn’t fully emerged. My work is to help those things emerge.”

Baekho scoffed, “I don’t think you’re doing a very good job, because I don’t remember anything.”

She just laughed. “Let me try to make you remember then. I’ll ask you a question to prompt you: why do you think you forgot Minhyun? What was so special about him that he was the one that was forgotten but the rest of the Wanna One members were not?”

Baekho mulled on that question for a while. He didn’t know why, but he could guess: “probably because I was close to him. As close to him as I was to my members.”

She hummed and began jotting down notes, and as she did, Baekho began to think about the question for a while longer.

Why was Minhyun forgotten, despite not being a member of NU’EST? And why did Jonghyun act so weird about him? And, why was Baekho remembering the stupid moles on Minhyun’s neck?

Who was in the world _was_ Minhyun?

“I want to see him,” Baekho said. “Can I see him?”

The doctor stopped writing for a bit and put her pen down. She then opened her laptop, typed something, and then showed Baekho the screen. On it was an image of Minhyun.

Minhyun was smiling in the picture. It was a bit blurry, so Minhyun’s moles weren’t very clear. But there were _definitely_ some moles there; Baekho remembered.

He stared at the picture. Gosh, this man was so pretty. And so _nice_ too. He didn’t understand why a still picture could tell him that, but it did.

“What’s on your mind?” the psychiatrist asked him as she carefully studied Baekho’s reaction to the image.

“He’s handsome,” Baekho answered.

“He is,” she agreed. “What else? Are you remembering anything.”

“That he’s nice,” Baekho said.

“Tell me how you’re feeling when you look at him.”

“I feel comfortable.”

She turned the screen away from him, forcing Baekho to stop looking. Baekho wanted to complain, but he held himself back; it was actually quite embarrassing how much he liked looking at Hwang Minhyun.

She typed a few things, and then turned the screen back to show Baekho a fancam of Minhyun singing “Downpour.”

Baekho watched it and felt his heart skip a beat. Minhyun had such a _beautiful, perfect_ voice…

The video ended, but Baekho wished it hadn’t. He wanted to tell the doctor to show him _more,_ but he didn’t want to sound desperate.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked him.

“Uh… nothing,” was his answer.

That was a lie. There were a lot of things on his mind at the moment, but he didn’t want her to know what they were. He was quite ashamed of what this random boy group member was making him feel, and what he was gradually beginning to realize; with slight dread, he suspected that he might have been in love with Hwang Minhyun.


	6. Chapter 6

Aron entered Baekho’s hospital room and saw him sitting up in his bed, looking out the window into the hospital’s garden. There was an open notebook on his lap and a pen in his hand.

Aron also took notice of all the empty snack wrappers on Baekho’s bedside table. It brought back flashbacks to the time before their breakthrough, when Baekho had been frustrated about their lack of activities and anxious for their future. Baekho would just keep eating and eating, as if it had helped him cope with their withering prospects. Aron remembered walking into Baekho’s room back then to a pile of candy wrappers, chip bags and soda cans.

Of course, Minhyun had taken it upon himself to fix that problem, partly because of the mess it was inflicting on the dorm, but mostly because he had been really worried about Baekho. He had made Baekho ride bikes with him along the Han River as a form of exercise and respite from reality. It worked. Baekho had used the bike rides to blow off steam and stopped eating so much candy, and he had also become a lot more energetic and hopeful.

Minhyun had always been the one taking care of Baekho back then. Where was Minhyun to make Baekho energetic and hopeful again now?

Aron took a seat on the chair next to Baekho’s bed, wondering what was going on through his member’s head. One look at him, and Aron knew that so much had changed since the last time they saw one another. Baekho looked dazed, confused, and frustrated. Aron knew why.

Jonghyun had called Aron and explained what had happened: Baekho had seen Minhyun. He now knew Minhyun’s name and his face, and grappling with that must have seriously messed with Baekho’s head.

Aron was certain that Baekho had recalled _something_. Minhyun had been like Baekho’s other half, and no amount of amnesia could change that. To be confronted with the face and name of someone so close was sure to have triggered some severe dejavu.

“Hey,” Aron greeted. “How are you feeling?”

Baekho just shrugged.

“What the notebook for?” Aron asked.

“Doctor said I have to write down what I think I remember,” Baekho answered.

Aron glanced at the empty pages sadly.

“She told me not to ask anyone for help, and just try to figure it out by myself, but I’m going crazy right now… I simply can’t remember _anything_ , but somehow, I think I… I think figured it out.”

Aron narrowed his eyes. _Figured it out?_ “What did you figure out?” Aron asked.

“I wouldn’t call this a memory, but a feeling,” Baekho said. “But, I _know_ that I love him,” Baekho confessed, looking Aron straight in the eyes. “I love Hwang Minhyun. In a more-than-friends sort of way.”

Aron froze. That was not what he had expected Baekho to “remember” at all.

“I… I don’t know what to tell you man,” Aron stammered in response.

Baekho’s voice suddenly went softer, less assertive. “It’s true, right?” he inquired with wavering conviction. “We were more than friends, weren’t we? We broke up, which is why Jonghyun was acting so weird when I asked him about it…”

“Baekho…” Aron cut him off mid-sentence, not bearing to hear any more of this. “I wish that were true but…”

“Wait, it’s not true?”

“No…”

“ _Really_?”

“The truth is that Minhyun’s—”

“—don’t tell me,” Baekho stopped him. “Seriously, don’t. I want to figure it out _by myself_.”

Aron pursed his lips.

“I want to figure it out by myself,” he repeated. “For the first time, I feel like I’m getting close to remembering something, and I want to do it without anyone’s help. Minhyun’s memory is there in the back of my mind. I feel it. I know I can remember more if I just keep trying…”

Aron just nodded, but he felt a knot in his throat that told him maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe it would be easier for Baekho to know _now_ that Minhyun was dead, rather than discover it later if and when he recovers his memories.

“Anyways,” Baekho continued, “you said my guess was not true, but I know what I’m feeling. I know that I love the guy. I can feel it in the way my whole being reacts when I see him. It’s like my blood rushes, my heart beats, my body tingles, my head is focused on nothing but him, and I feel this overwhelming urge to just… _be present_ with him, you know?”

Baekho turned to Aron as if seeking some kind of answer, some seal of approval.

For years now, Aron had always suspected that the two had shared a bond beyond friendship, and that the two were in love without really knowing it. It was quite painful and ill-fated how it took Minhyun dying and Baekho losing his memory for something to finally come of it. Aron felt like he wanted to scream. This was unfair. So unfair.

“I believe you,” Aron told Baekho, just to give him the sought-out reassurance that he was not misreading the signs his heart and body were giving him. Baekho smiled, and Aron felt his heart drop even more.

“Can I… talk to Minhyun?” Baekho suddenly asked. “Can he come visit? I know we’re not close anymore for whatever reason, but surely he still cares enough about me to come see me again? Maybe talking with him will help me get more clarity? Or does he hate me? Actually, don’t answer that. Don’t answer anything. If he can come, great. If not, that’s also fine,” Baekho trailed off.

Aron forced himself to smile, though he was tempted to cry.

“You look unhappy,” Baekho noticed.

“I… I’m just upset,” Aron replied. “Thinking about what you’re going through and all.”

“Don’t be upset. Today I realized that I’m not completely hopeless! We should be happy that I realized something so important!” Baekho said with an optimistic smile on his face.

 _I am glad_ , Aron thought. _I just wish you’d realized it earlier…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this chapter a long time ago but i was not happy with it so i kept and editing and re-editing it for days... im still unhappy with it but at this point im tired of it so i published it. im sorry if its boring!


	7. Chapter 7

Minki was tired of wheelchairs. He was tired of being in the hospital. Tired of all the pain around his body. Tired of not being able to stand on stage for so long.

Life had been extremely difficult lately. It had been about a month since it happened, and everything had changed. One of his best friends was gone forever. Another one of his best friends lost his memory. And the other two were scarred for life and would never be the same.

Minki, as well, was scarred for life. Physically and emotionally.

He had not been able to walk since the accident. The doctors said that the nerves were still in his legs, so there was hope he’d walk again, but Minki was beginning to lose hope as more time passed and standing up was still too painful.

Minki wondered if he’d ever be able to dance again. He wondered if NU’EST will ever be an active, performing group again. At this point, it seemed like it was all over: NU’EST, his career, his life.

Sometimes, he felt bad complaining though. He had it better than at least two of his members. Minhyun was dead, and Baekho had lost his memories _and_ his ability to walk.

In Baekho’s case, everyone was too caught up in the fact Baekho couldn’t remember that they completely overlooked the fact he couldn’t walk and was not showing any signs of improvement in that regard either. Baekho himself didn’t seem to think about it. Instead, he was also trying to fix his amnesia.

Minki wished Baekho would stop being so fixated on trying to remember the past, specifically Minhyun. He hated watching his member naively assume the person he used to love was still alive, and that with pure determination he will be able to somehow recover memories that don’t seem to be coming back any time soon.

Minki had been against hiding the truth from him since the start, since Jonghyun first suggested it, but he felt powerless in JR and Aron’s whole decision-making process. His opinion didn’t seem to matter to them, so he just went along with their idea, even though their idea sucked.

He’d been feeling powerless in a lot of things, actually, and it drove him crazy and drilled him into a deep, dark slump. People were treating him like a child, like a pitiful little boy who needed to focus on himself and nothing else. Even Jonghyun and Aron were being irritating about it.

When Aron told them about Baekho’s love confession, Minki nearly begged them to put Baekho out of his misery and just confront him with the truth, but somehow, they didn’t take him seriously, and instead just talked about it amongst themselves, completely sidelining him. Minki knew they didn’t _mean_ to do that, but they were doing it and it really hurt.

That’s the thing about having a disability—somehow, people, even those who love you, treat you like some pitiful thing that shouldn’t be involved in serious affairs. Not to mention how hard they try _not_ to talk about the disability, as if talking about it was going to offend you or something. Instead they talk about dumb things like the weather or their favorite Twice songs.

Both JR and Aron, without Minki’s input, seemed to be in agreement to just draw out the torture for longer and let Baekho “figure it out by himself.” Bullshit. Minki knew it was bullshit, but he didn’t want to say anything for fear they would inadvertently ignore him and treat his input like it were nothing but the idealistic babbles of some woeful child.

So they did eventually go along with the plan to not tell Baekho, and Minki realized that they were doing the same thing to him: treating him like a pitiful boy they needed to protect from pain or something.

To be honest, Baekho was actually pitiful. He thought Minhyun was a member of Wanna One who was still alive. He thought NU’EST only comprised of the four of them. The only songs he heard and music videos he had seen were from NU’EST W. The only pictures he saw were of NU’EST W. Anything before 2017, they kept from him.

Consequently, Baekho remained completely oblivious to _everything_ , and Minki hated it. It actually felt like Baekho was dead at this point, and what replaced him was some love-struck, clueless idiot.

One day, that clueless idiot wheeled into his room, interrupting a Lady Gaga binge-watching session. He had that damn memory notebook in his hand, the one his doctor told to keep with him at all time and record in if he ever remembered something. As of now, all that was written in that memory notebook were crossed out guesses pertaining to who Minhyun was to him.

“Hey Minki, do you have a minute?” Baekho asked.

“Yes?” Minki paused his music video.

“I think I remembered some things.”

“Tell me,” Minki replied, though he wasn’t hopeful. It wasn’t the first time Baekho that Baekho barged into Minki’s room hopeful that he had something right.

 “Minhyun’s religious. That’s why he’s avoiding me, because he knows I have feelings for him and…”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Ren interrupted. “That’s not a memory. That’s a guess. And it’s wrong.”

Baekho groaned and tore that page from his notebook.

For the past few days, Baekho had been throwing such guesses at Minki, pretending they were “memories.” In fact, Baekho was just trying to rationalize his feelings for Minhyun, Jonghyun’s panic every time Minhyun is mentioned, and why the beloved Minhyun wasn’t coming to visit him. None of his guesses were ever remotely true.

“Can I just tell you?” Minki tried.

“No!” was Baekho’s definitive answer.

“This is ridiculous, Baekho. How long are you going to torture yourself like this?”

“Until I remember.”

“What if you never remember?”

“I remembered how I felt about him, didn’t I?”

Minki considered telling him that his so-called feelings weren’t actually memories per se, because Baekho had never acknowledged those feeling before, but he didn’t want to confuse the guy even more. He just sighed and shrugged, going back to watching his Lady Gaga video.

He expected Baekho to just wheel himself out, but he remained in his place, looking at the phone that Minki was holding.

“What?” Minki asked, pausing the video again.

“Do you have Minhyun’s number?”

“Yes,” Minki replied. “I do. Why, you want to talk to him?”

“Can I?”

“He won’t respond,” Minki stated matter-of-factly.

“Because he knows you’re with me?”

“Not everything is about you, Dongho.”

Baekho opened his mouth to say something, hesitated, and then narrowed his eyes, as if deep in thought, as if he had just heard another important clue that would help him solve the perplexing mystery that was Hwang Minhyun. Minki really hoped Baekho would get the hint.

“Wait… is he in love with Jonghyun?!”

Minki face-palmed.

“No?” Baekho asked innocently.

“Of course not!”

“Oh.”

“God, please let me just tell you the truth.”

Baekho shook his head. “No, I don’t want to know the truth.”

“If this is because you’re afraid you wouldn’t be able to get your memories back then…”

“Just don’t tell me okay? And don’t give me any more hints either,” Baekho sputtered. It was obvious that he was very passionate about maintaining his ignorance, and so Minki shrugged it off and continued playing his Lady Gaga music video.

Baekho stayed there, watching the video with him, but clearly more interested in the phone.

When the video was over, Minki turned to Baekho. “Why are you still here?”

“Can you show me Wanna One music videos?” Baekho requested sheepishly. Gosh, he was so pitiful, Minki wanted to scream.

But still, he fulfilled the request, showing him various Wanna One music videos and watching Baekho’s eyes light up whenever Minhyun appeared. Baekho watched all of them (even “Boomerang!”) with fascination resembling a fan’s. When Minki had exhausted all of the Wanna One’s music videos, he decided to show him something else.

After scrolling through his camera roll, he found a photo he wanted Baekho to see. It was a picture of the two of them, both asleep, on a sofa in a waiting room backstage at a show when NU’EST and Wanna One’s promotions overlapped for a week. Baekho was lying down, legs extended comfortably, covered by Minhyun’s purple sequined Wanna One costume jacket. Minhyun was in an undershirt, sitting on the armrest, laying his body over the backrest in a very uncomfortable-looking position. Ren took the picture because he thought it was funny back then. He remembered sending it on the NU’EST group chat and everyone laughing about how Minhyun looked like an exhausted single mother trying to make her son Baekho as comfortable as possible, even at her own expense. It was such a funny picture to them back then, but now… looking at it made Minki extremely sad.

Minhyun had always been the one to take care of Baekho, and the picture made that all too clear.

When Baekho saw the picture, he wouldn’t stop looking at it. Taking Minki’s phone, he just stared at it with a sad kind of captivation in his eyes. When Minki asked for his phone back, Baekho asked for one more minute.

Within that minute, Minki watched as Baekho lost focus on the image and instead seemed to withdraw into his own head, as if he were thinking hard, as if he were trying to remember. He then returned Minki’s phone and opened his memory notebook.

“Did you remember something?” Minki asked as Baekho scavenged around his wheelchair for a pen that he couldn’t find.

“I… I think a memory came back to me,” he said, still frantically searching his wheelchair. “Do you have a pen?”

When Ren shook his head, Baekho swiftly wheeled himself out of the room in search for a pen.

-

_I think I just saw a flashback, a fragmented memory_. _My first actual memory of Minhyun._

_I remember the sequins poking at my skin when I woke up on that sofa. I remember sitting up to see Minhyun asleep, in a very uncomfortable position. I got up and I gently pulled him down onto where I had been sleeping._

_And that jacket_ — _that purple sequined hell of a jacket—I remember picking it up to cover Minhyun with it, but I was afraid that the sequins would make him uncomfortable. I remember leaving that room to go find an actual blanket, and I did. I covered him with it._

_I remember caressing Minhyun’s forehead and watching him as he slept. I remember cursing at his company for overworking him. I remember that Minhyun softly told me that he missed me while I played with the hairs on his forehead. I remember telling him that I missed him too._

_I also remember Jonghyun walking into that waiting room, and me immediately withdrawing my hand, as if I were afraid of being caught._

_And that’s where my flashback ends._


	8. Chapter 8

The flashback was a memory, Baekho was sure of it. It was far too vivid and felt far too realistic to not have actually happened

He was thrilled to have remembered something that was supposedly erased. And it was a nice memory, one that made him feel happy and warm on the inside. The fact that he and Minhyun had shared an intimate, private moment like that before… they must have been _very_ close. They must have cared about one another a lot, too.

The memory didn’t necessarily provide any new information though: Jonghyun had already told Baekho that he and Minhyun “used to be close.” All Baekho had witnessed was a manifestation of that closeness, but it was a still a memory.

When his doctor read the entry in his memory notebook, she seemed a bit skeptical about it. “I’ll ask Jonghyun about this. I need to make sure that this actually happened and was not just a figment of your imagination,” she said.

Baekho frowned at that. What she said irked him quite a lot, partly because she was treating him like some crazy person she could not trust, but mostly because _WHY JONGHYUN?_ Jonghyun was _not_ the person who shared the memory with him, it was _Minhyun_. Why not talk to Minhyun about it? Was there some legal reason she could not involve him? Did medical law forbid involving outsiders in the psychiatric treatment of patients or something?

 Still, he wanted to try his chances, because he really wanted to have some avenue toward Minhyun. “Jonghyun isn’t the right person to ask though,” he told her, “Minhyun would be the one to verify the memory. Ask him.”

The psychiatrist only hummed in response, jotting down even more notes onto her clipboard. “What do you think triggered that memory for you?” she asked him then, changing the subject and finally lifting her eyes from her notes.

“Minki showed me a picture of the two of us right before the memory happened,” Baekho answered.

“And how did you feel when you saw it?”

“At first it felt like dejavu. Like… I recognized that time but couldn’t remember it happening. But then the flashback just hit me.”

“I see. I suspected as much. Your situation is one where you need to be prompted into the memories; they don’t just come to you,” she inferred.

Baekho had never thought of it like that, but now that she put it in words; he realized that that was very true: it was only when he saw Minhyun in a video that he remembered loving him, and only when he saw that picture of Minhyun that he got his flashback and remembered that one fleeting moment.

“If one picture triggered a memory, then I think we should surround you with even more triggers.”

_Yes, surround me with Minhyun. Please._

“Dongho, I want you to take some time outside of the hospital. I want you to go back to the spaces you inhabited before the accident. If a 2D picture can return a memory, I’m hoping that the 3D experience of your familiar spaces would make everything come back to you. I want you to spend time in your dorm, and in the places you used to go. Meet the people you used to meet…”

“Minhyun?” Dongho interjected. He knew he was being pathetic at this point, but he was desperate. He wanted to meet Minhyun; he really, really, really wanted to meet him. And this psychiatric ‘treatment’ seemed like a perfect excuse to do so…

“We’ll see,” the doctor told him with a small smile. “Just try and remember first, okay?”

Baekho groaned. Why did Minhyun seem so damn unreachable? Every time he tried to get to him, through Aron or Minki or his doctor, they all evaded the prospect as if it were a lost cause.

Was his fight with Minhyun really _that bad_?

He could know now if he really, really wanted to. All he had to do was ask Ren, just a few wheels away.

He considered it for a brief moment, but his mind, body, and soul seemed to be objecting to that. He felt shivers down his spine, an increased heart rate, goosebumps on his arms, deeper breaths. He was afraid.

Using Minhyun to ‘regain his memories’—that was all just a pretense, and deep down, Baekho knew that. He didn’t care about that… he just _didn’t want to know_. It was fairly obvious that the truth was bad, and so he would simply rather not know it. He wanted to revel in the mystery that was Hwang Minhyun. Revel in the feelings that he had for him. Stay ignorant. Stay happy.

Just the thought of Minhyun made Baekho happy. Even though Baekho was stuck in the hospital with no access to phone or Internet, even though he couldn’t walk, and even though his memory was failing him, he was still oddly optimistic, and all because of Minhyun. The idea of Minhyun made him so stupidly happy, and he didn’t want anything to change.

Learning the truth would probably change a lot of things though, and his mind and body somehow knew that it would.

-

Jonghyun took down all the posters, all the albums, all the photo frames, stuffing them in a closet that he was going to lock up and keep out of reach from Baekho _at all costs_. Determined to erase absolutely all traces of Minhyun from the dorm, he frenziedly scanned his surroundings for anything that would give Baekho as much as a hint.

“Relax,” Aron told him when he saw how paranoid Jonghyun had become at the prospect of Baekho coming back. “In case you forgot, the whole point of this treatment is for Baekho to _remember_.”

Jonghyun sighed a heavy breath. He knew that was true, but the thought of Baekho walking into that dorm and seeing a picture frame with the five of them and then realizing everything all at once was so scary. Jonghyun didn’t know what he was hoping for. The truth was going to hurt one way or another, but Jonghyun could only bring himself to let that hurt come _now_. Whenever his rationality kicked in and reminded him that he was only postponing the inevitable, he just ignored it.

“We’re supposed to clean the dorm, not mess it up,” Aron laughed when he saw all the emptied cupboards and drawers and shelves all around, with every little piece of Minhyun hidden away in the closet in Jonghyun’s room.

Jonghyun looked around guiltily at the mess he had caused.

“The good thing for you is that a messy dorm is a dorm without the trace of Minhyun in it,” Aron said with a smile. “Remember how much he’d nag us about these things?”

Jonghyun tensed. Gosh, he missed Minhyun. He missed Minhyun terribly.

“Remember how Minhyun disinfected the whole dorm when Kkotsuni pooped on the floor?” Aron asked, still smiling, “and when he literally reorganized the CEO’s office in the middle of our contract signing? Or when he adamantly refused to visit our dorm for like a whole month since becoming a Wanna One member because he knew it would be a mess. Baekho got so angry at him for that…” Aron trailed off.

Jonghyun stood for a moment with those memories; they seemed to have happened an eternity ago. They also weighed heavily on his heart as he thought about them.

For a very long time, he had been trying to avoid thinking about Minhyun, as that was his strategy to remaining sane and able to be there for his remaining members. Aron, however, would bring up Minhyun’s memory every once in a while in the most casual way. Aron was clearly so much better at dealing with this than Jonghyun was.

“I miss him,” Jonghyun managed to say.

“We all miss him, Jonghyunnie,” Aron replied, “and I think that the best way to keep him around is to keep his memory alive. It’s for that reason that I really want Baekho to remember.”

Aron was calm and composed as he said it, as if he’d come to terms with the prospect. Jonghyun, however, couldn’t even think about it or he drowned in guilt and self-hatred.

“I know you feel like remembering will only make Baekho extremely sad,” Aron voiced out Jonghyun’s disorderly thoughts, “but if we keep it from him for any longer, it’s kind of like letting Minhyun fade away. I don’t want that, Jonghyun. I want Baekho to remember _everything_ , even if it hurts. I want him to embrace Minhyun’s memory without holding anything back.” Aron was smiling at this point, a sad, melancholic kind of smile.

Seeing that smile make Jonghyun realize that he himself needed to get to a point where he could smile like that about Minhyun; he needed to confront Minhyun’s memory, so that he could be able to help Dongho confront it too.

Aron was absolutely right to say that sweeping all traces of Minhyun under the rug was kind of like killing Minhyun in a different way. And that was the last thing that Jonghyun wanted.

-

The NU’EST dorm neighborhood felt like home. Baekho didn’t remember it per se, but it felt like he’d been there before. Like dejavu.

As the manager rolled him into the elevator, Baekho instinctively knew which floor it was. The number 5 button was somehow calling to him, and indeed, the manager pressed the number five. When the elevator door opened, Baekho instinctively knew that the front door would be at their right. As Baekho was rolled to the right, Baekho was instinctively drawn to certain numbers on the keypad in front of the door. 031512. Indeed, those keys formed the entrance code that would unlock the door.

The door opened, and he was rolled inside.

The first thing that Baekho noticed was that the dorm was quite a mess. Aron and Jonghyun had been trying to put everything back in place before he came, but when Baekho entered, they both stopped what they were doing and came to greet him.

The dejavu was severe as he looked around their dorm; the whole space was infused with an understated familiarity that he felt with this whole chest. From the sofa in the corner, to that cat tower against the wall, to the balcony in front, to that shelf in the corridor…

Baekho was especially drawn to that shelf for some reason. Something seemed slightly off with it. It was quite a mess like the rest of the dorm, with all the stuff on it randomly placed in various orientations; some had even fallen on the floor. There were action figures, some DVDs, some novels, a few trophies, and, most notably, albums.

It was the album rack that mostly caught Baekho’s attention. There were NU’EST albums on the left side of the rack, but the right side was empty, and some of the albums on the left side fell face down toward the empty right. There was just this glaring emptiness that Baekho could feel was not right; there was something missing on that right side. Something that was supposed to be there.

He pushed his wheelchair closer to the shelf to get a better look. The first album on the right was called “W.HERE” with the words “NU’EST W” printed in bold lettering.

 _NU’EST_. W? Maybe it was trademark sign or something.

He took the album down from the shelf and flipped through the pages. Yep, that was NU’EST. Those were his members: JR, Aron and Ren. And the tracklist: yes, he’d heard those songs before, but he wanted to hear them again.

“Is there a CD player?” Baekho asked, turning his head toward Jonghyun.

Jonghyun was standing stiffly, his expression completely blank.

It was Aron who answered. “Over there,” he said pointing to the stereo set next to the television. “I’ll plug it in for you.”

Baekho placed the album on his lap and rolled himself toward the stereo set as Aron knelt down to the floor to untangle the wires. When it was plugged in and turned on, immediately, the CD that had been in there before started playing.

The tune and the voice that blasted from the stereo made Baekho feel so numb.

 _Yeoboseyo_  
babeun meogeonni  
eodiseo mwo haneunji  
geokjeongdoen-

At that point, Aron had opened the CD drive, and the song was cut off.

“Wait, put it back,” Baekho sputtered, feeling jolted that the song was so suddenly discontinued. “I want to hear it!”

Aron paused for a moment, looking towards Jonghyun, as if asking permission from him or something.

“What are you doing? Put it back!” Baekho nearly yelled, impatient and desperate to hear that song again, but Aron continued looking past him, towards Jonghyun.

Baekho also turned to Jonghyun, and saw that the leader looking unusually pale.

“I’m sorry, Baekho,” Jonghyun’s voice cracked. He then shook his head and dashed away into another room.

As Baekho watched him, confused at the way he was acting, Aron had already re-inserted the CD into the drive.

 _Yeoboseyo_  
babeun meogeonni  
eodiseo mwo haneunji  
geokjeongdoenikka

What a crazy familiar song that Baekho felt with his whole heart and body. What a crazy familiar voice; Baekho knew that voice all too well: the sweet mellow voice of Hwang Minhyun. It must be a Wanna One song, he thought.

But then another voice appeared, one that sounded so much like Aron?

Aron? With Minhyun? Baekho thought his ears were fooling him. It was probably Guanlin, he reasoned.

But then he heard his own voice, and there was no doubting that.

As the rest of the song played, and Baekho listened to it with wide eyes and a wildly beating heart.

 _Hwang Minhyun_.

 _NU’EST_.

 _Accident_.

As all the broken pieces started to come together in his head, his heart shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very sorry for the relatively late update. Blame Superstar Pledis. -.-


	9. Chapter 9

Aron watched as Baekho’s eyes slowly lit up with signs of recognition. By the end of the song, Baekho was staring into space with wide, unfocused eyes, as if he were trying to sort everything out in his head.

“Are you okay?” Aron asked with concern as he turned off the music player.

Baekho was trembling at that point. Aron knelt took Baekho’s hands to stop them from shaking, squeezing them in gentle reassurance.

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier,” he said. “But we didn’t know how to,” Aron’s voice faltered. His throat wanted him to cry. The words he wanted to say to Baekho were slow to fall from his lips. “You understand, right?” Aron stammered. “You know what happened to Minhyunnie?”

“He’s dead,” was Baekho’s answer.

Baekho had always been blunt, but Aron wished that he hadn’t be so blunt about this. “ _ He’s dead” _ seemed like a such a cruel, bitter way of putting it, and Aron found it hard to confirm Baekho’s answer with even a slight nod of his head. Instead he just bit his lower lip and averted his eyes.

Baekho took that as confirmation. He heaved a loud, hefty sigh, the kind that comes out when there’s a strain in your chest that’s making it hard for you to breathe.

“Where is he?” Baekho managed to ask through heavy breaths and a dry throat.

Aron immediately understood what Baekho meant with that question. “He’s buried in Busan.”

“I want to go,” Baekho turned his head to the manager who was standing at the scene watching everything unfold before him. “I want to visit him. Now.”

The manager looked at his watch, and then at Aron. “If we leave now, we can reach there in the evening.”

Baekho had always had a penchant for spontaneous trips. Before the accident, he had decided to go somewhere in one minute, and in the next he was already packing to head out the next hour. It comforting to know that nothing had changed in that regard; while so many things were changing these days, it was nice that  _ something _ from the time when they were whole and happy was retained.

Aron looked from his manager to Baekho, nodding his head. “Let’s go.”

-

_ Minhyun was a member of NU’EST. That’s why I forgot him along with the others. He was in the accident with us. He died. That’s why he hasn’t come to visit me yet. That’s why he was impossible to reach. _

_ I’m writing in this notebook because I don’t know what else to do. I’m trying to make sense of it all, but my head just feels chaotic right now. _

_ Is this even considered a “memory”? Is it even supposed to go in this dumb notebook? All I did was figure out the truth, not remember everything. But I KNOW he was in NU’EST. I didn’t even need to ask anyone to confirm it. When I heard our song with his voice, I just knew it. _

_ As far as my memories are concerned, Minhyun is a stranger to me. But I still feel things for him that I shouldn’t feel for a stranger. And I’m still mourning his death as if he were a friend. I feel like the world became a darker place all of the sudden. I feel like I’ve lost all motivation to keep fighting for my own health. What’s the point of all this? I’m going to end up dead anyways. _

-

Writing in the notebook was the only thing Baekho had to do in that three-hour ride to Busan. It helped calm his raging thoughts and gave him something to focus on besides the moving landscape that made him feel sick to the stomach. It also helped him to stop crying.

As the wet tissues piled up in the car around him, he began to feel silly. He was crying over some guy he didn’t even remember, going on this unplanned trip just to visit his grave, stuck in the backseat with Jonghyun, who was having his own kind of mental breakdown in which he buried his face in his hands and avoided all contact for the entirety of the trip.

When they finally arrived at the burial site parking lot, the manager went down first to make sure there were no fans around. It was just Baekho, Jonghyun, and Aron in the car, waiting. In that time, Baekho felt the pressure of the impending visit, and it hurt.

His heart was beating so hard, he felt the blood in his body pulsate through his body with uncomfortable force. He began to cry again. It was one thing to say he wanted to visit Minhyun, but another to actually be there.

It kind of helped when Jonghyun pushed through the mountain of tissues between them and nestled into his shoulder, a gesture of consolation that Baekho didn’t know he needed. It helped to know that he was not alone in this mourning. And that it wasn’t stupid for him to be crying like that. That someone understood the sorrow in his heart.

-

There was something chilling about graveyards, especially at night when all the gravestones are lit by nothing but moonlight and dim street lamps. Scary was that vague realization in Baekho’s thoughts that the bodies buried under those stones had once been living, breathing human beings. Suddenly, Baekho was forced to re-confront the idea of death and forget everything else.

Wheeling through the rocky path among the gravestones, Baekho remembered the last time he was in a graveyard. It was in Jeju, a year or so ago, also during the night. He was visiting his late father. He had felt exactly the same as he did now. Hopeless. Insignificant. Sad.

But unlike with his father, it was easy to spot Minhyun’s graveyard from a distance. It was the one covered in a large pile of fresh flowers and other tributes from all of his visiting fans. Seeing it made Baekho feel guilty for not having any flowers on hand himself.

The wheelchair finally came to a stop in front of the gravestone. Baekho suddenly felt even more sick than before as he imagined how Minhyun’s once beautiful face now looked under the dirt. Decomposing, cracked skin layering over bare bones, bugs nesting in his body, shrivelled lips that once flashed the brightest smiles…

He tried to shake the thought away and focus on something else, so he lifted his neck and read the words on the gravestone.

> _ Hwang Minhyun _
> 
> _ 9 Aug 1995 – 26 Feb 2019 _
> 
> _ If I could, if only I could turn time back. Like a movie, I’d go back to the beginning. If only you were next to me, as if this was all just a painful dream. - NU’EST W _

Baekho recognized the quote as lyrics to a song he had heard before while in the hospital. It had been one of the songs that his members had let him listen to, because it was song without Minhyun’s voice in it:  _ If You. _

He began to sing aloud what he remembered of his part of the song.

_ How nice would it be if I could reach you _ _   
_ _ Even in my dreams, if I could stay one more night _ _   
_ _ Like a fiction story, like a lie _ _   
_ __ If only we can meet again and smile brightly

By the end, Baekho felt himself too embarrassed to continue. He turned to his companions, and realized that all of them had already walked farther off in the opposite direction, probably meaning to give him his privacy. He appreciated that.

“Hwang Minhyun!” Baekho said out loud to no one. It was the first time he had said the name out loud since the revelation, and it was harder than he thought it would be. Before, the name “Hwang Minhyun” was sonorous an sweet, laced with feelings of comfort, happiness, and love. Now, the name was loaded with nothing but bitter tragedy. The shift was too severe.

“I hope you’re doing well,” Baekho said. He knew he was talking to a stone at this point, but talking to the stone somehow helped him forget about the image of Minhyun’s corpse. He chose to keep faith in the idea that that Minhyun, in whatever supernatural dimension he now inhabited, could receive his message. “I miss you…”

_ I miss you. _

-

_ I just had another flashback. Another memory. The memory came while I was alone, talking to Minhyun beside his grave. When I told him I missed him. _

_ In the flashback, I was in another graveyard, standing beside my father’s grave, but I was not alone. Minhyun was there with me, hugging me from behind. He was apologizing to me, because he couldn’t be there for me when my father died. He couldn’t attend the funeral. He couldn’t even call or text me. It appears I was angry with him, because I didn’t react to his hugs or his apologies for a long time. _

_ But even though I ignored him, Minhyun still stayed with me that night as I stood by my father’s grave for hours. I remember I eventually forgave him, warning him to never do that again. Because I missed him, and I needed him. Because he was probably my closest ever friend. I remember Minhyun promising to never do it again. I remember thinking it was the most emotional we had ever been toward one another, because the whole encounter ended with a lot of tears. _

_ I then remember dropping him off at the airport, because he had a schedule that morning. I remember seeing him off, and I also remember realizing that I loved him when he left. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like there are just 2 or 3 chapters left?  
> i'm not sure though, we'll see how it goes~


	10. Chapter 10

“So… is there anything you want to say?” his psychiatrist asked him, eying him intently as if she knew that there was a lot on his mind.

Baekho just shrugged nonchalantly. He was in no mood to talk to her. Actually, he had not wanted to see her at all, but the session had already already been paid for by the company and his manager had forced him to go, even though making it in time had been so inconvenient. They had spent last night in Busan, and had to take a four-hour drive back to Seoul at five in the morning just to be there.

Baekho had not slept at all. No matter how tired he was, his thoughts kept him up. The flashback he had at Minhyun’s grave would resurface in his thoughts and he would dwell on it for a long time. Realizing that those scattered memories were the only things from Minhyun that he had left of him, Baekho wanted to hold onto them as much as possible by writing down every detail that came to his mind.

That dumb memory notebook proved a lot more useful than he expected.

The notebook had now become like Baekho’s personal diary, his psychiatrist was sure as hell  _ not _ going to read it, especially the parts concerning his more-than-friendly love for his deceased member.

“You didn’t bring your notebook, I see,” she stated, her eyes flickering to the empty pouch at the side of his wheelchair.

He shrugged.

“Even if you don’t want me to read it, you still should take it with you wherever you go in case a memory comes back to you. The notebook isn’t for me, it’s for you,” she told him. “Please bring it with you next time, okay?”

_ I am not bringing that notebook near her,  _ he thought, shuddering at the thought of her prying it from his pouch against his will and reading it. Those pages were now filled with his embarrassingly detailed rambles about Minhyun, the small things he gradually recalled about him: the way he laughed, the way he blinked when he lied, the way his lips pursed when he wanted to make a point, the way he bit his lip when he was made a joke and was trying his hardest not to laugh at it, and the moles on his neck, his arms, his back.

“I know you figured out who Minhyun was and what happened to him,” the doctor began when he remained unresponsive, “Would you consider this information a memory? Like, was it something you knew before you lost consciousness?”

Baekho narrowed his eyes at the strange question. “No? How could that be a  _ memory _ ? He died before I could have been conscious of it.”

She hummed in response, then said: “you could have realized that he would die moments before the accident.”

“What?”

“Minhyun was in the front seat during the accident, the most dangerous place to be. As your van was headed full speed into certain peril, it’s not unlikely that you foresaw what was coming and knew that Minhyun’s chances of survival were slim.”

Baekho felt his a chill run down his spine at the speculation. He didn’t understand why she was saying these things to him; remembering the accident seems like the opposite of helping his mental health.

“I know it’s hard to think about,” she continued when she saw how he stiffened. “But it’s important to confront traumatic experiences so you can overcome their consequences. And my hunch about your memory loss is this: you knew that Minhyun was going to die moments before you lost consciousness. You knew that NU’EST was going to be ruined forever. That thought traumatized you, and so your brain chose to put away all of NU’EST so it becomes easier to deal with the pain…”

“I... I don’t think that’s true,” Baekho managed in a stammer. “I hit my head. That’s why I lost my memory. There’s even a scar to prove it. Nothing to do with  _ trauma _ ...”

“Yes, that was my initial conjecture too,” she said. “Head injury is a common cause for memory loss, but you have a unique kind of memory loss that a head injury could not have caused. You see, you only forgot your members. Very specific people in your life. No external force could have so perfectly categorized your memories and took away such a specific part of them. Only you yourself could have done that. Does that make sense?”

As Baekho took all of that in, his first instinct was denial. No, he could not have  _ chosen _ to forget NU’EST. He was not so weak to let something like ‘trauma’ get to him to the point he’d lose touch with normal mental faculties.  _ Right _ ?

“Just something for you to consider,” she told him with sorry smile, one that was filled with pity that Baekho did not want. He was not pitiful. He was not crazy. And he was not  _ traumatized… _ or whatever the hell she was claiming.

“Anyways,” she continued, reaching out into her desk drawer to take out something. “I have something else for you that we’re going to talk about next time…”

_ As if there was going to be a next time,  _ he thought. He had already made a mental note to talk to his manager to change psychiatrists, because this one didn’t know what she was talking about. Probably faked her degree or something. No specialized person could come up with something so ridiculous and inaccurate.

He was too drowned in his thoughts, that it took him a moment to register what the item in her hand was — _ his phone. _ He had almost forgotten what it looked like, almost forgotten that this was his. She handed it to him, and he took it, relishing the familiar way it felt in his grip.

“I want you to go through your old messages. Get on the Internet. Read about things that happened to you and your bandmates. Read articles about the accident. See pictures of the accident. See what it triggers in you,” she said. “I want to hear all about it, next time.”

His heart began to beat slower and harder and his initial anxiety began to swell.

Afraid of what he would discover now that he finally had access to this whole network of information, a part of him was tempted give it back and tell her that he didn’t want it. The past 24 hours had been draining enough with all the new discoveries; he didn’t need anymore reason to feel dumb and hopeless.

But although he was tempted to tell her straight off that he would rather not have his phone back just yet, he could not bring himself to unwrap his fingers from the device. The prospect of giving it back made him feel uneasy; how could he even think about  _ rejecting _ something that would bring him closer to his forgotten memories. It was almost as if he subconsciously  _ wanted _ to stay ignorant.

And that’s when he considered it: maybe she was right.

Blame a head injury for his memory loss had made it somewhat easier to deal with the whole thing. As he considered himself nothing but a victim of some external force, some accident, he felt guiltless. But now, he was beginning to understand that maybe that so-called “external” force was internal all along. He was the perpetrator of his own malady.

He thought back to the time Minki had offered to tell him everything. He rejected the offer. He never wanted to know.

And now, he didn’t want to see the contents of his phone either.

He came to consider that he was his own enemy. He was the only one obstructing himself from the truth, the full truth, of his past. Because he was a coward, scared of facing a reality that would drag him deep into a sorrowful pit of depression and angst and yearning for a long gone past.

-

Thankfully, she had cut the session short, noticing that he was not in the right state of mind.

He kept his phone in his hand, his fingers wrapped tightly around it, determined to never let it go even though the other voice in his head was encouraging him to casually “drop” it on the hospital floor and never find it again. But for the first time, he chose to resist that voice.

It was as if he had two separate consciousnesses all of the sudden: one that has the key to all of his forgotten memories but doesn’t want to unlock them, and another that knows _nothing_ and is fighting to retrieve that key. And now the two consciousnesses are fighting about what to do with that phone.

When Baekho finally arrived back at the dorm, he immediately went to the nearest power outlet in the living room to charge the phone again. He anxiously waited for it to start up again.

As soon as he had the chance to put in the passcode, he unlocked his phone. It was slow to open up, and the screen froze for a while as it loaded and updated all the apps and notifications which have been dormant for many months now.

As he waited, his heart was beating hard. He didn’t know why his body was reacting like this. What was he afraid of? Some pictures in his camera roll? Messages to other people? The articles on the Internet? All of the above?

When he finally managed to open his KKT app, he saw that he had 1,273 unread messages from friends, family members, and acquaintances checking up on him from the past month he was unconscious or banned from his phone. He ignored all of those new messages, there was only one chat he really wanted to see, and he knew that he would need to scroll down for a long time through all the unread chats to find it.

Minhyun was called “Minhyunnie” on his phone. The guy was smiling on his profile photo, and Baekho couldn’t help but admire that icon for a few seconds before getting the courage to open the chat and read the most recent messages.

He scrolled up a little bit and stopped when he saw the messages labelled with the date “18 June 2017.” 2017 was a long time ago, and Baekho was surprised at how little he had to scroll to get to that date. They must not have privately messaged very often, he realized.

He read the messages.

> 18 June 2017
> 
> Baekho:  _ We need to talk about yesterday. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ You’re probably really busy right now, but please let me know when you’re free so we can meet and talk about this. _
> 
> 19 June 2017
> 
> Baekho:  _ Hello _ ?
> 
> Baekho:  _ Are you ignoring me _ ?
> 
> Baekho:  _ Minhyunnie, please. Why do you keep rejecting my phone calls _ ?
> 
> Baekho:  _ Minhyun I know you’re online. Why are you ignoring me? _
> 
> Baekho:  _ What the fuck is wrong with you??? Answer me! _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Are you embarrassed, is that it? Is that why you’re avoiding me? Well good to know you’re willing to throw away our friendship over this. _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ I am embarrassed. So I ask you to forget everything I said and did. Please, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry for ignoring you, but I just don’t know what to say anymore. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ This is not something we just brush aside and forget, Minhyun. We have to talk about it. I’m calling you now, PICK UP. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ ANSWER ME _
> 
> Baekho:  _ If you’re afraid talking about it is going to ruin our friendship, you’re wrong. Not talking about is what’s ruining our friendship. I feel like I hate you right now. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Wow, you didn’t even reply to that. Fine. Have it your way. Let’s not talk anymore. _
> 
> 21 June 2017
> 
> Minhyun:  _ I’m sorry. _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ I hope you’re okay. _
> 
> 3 August 2017
> 
> Minhyun:  _ I know this is long overdue, but I finally got the courage to write this. As you know, I have feelings for you, and in the spur of the moment that night, I acted on them. I shouldn’t have, but it was a really emotional time and it messed with my sense of propriety. I’m sorry for putting you in that position. I just want you to know that I can get over those stupid feelings. Being apart from you for so long will help me do that. By the time I come back, it will be normal between us again, so please don’t worry. So I’m asking you to just forget that it ever happened, okay? _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Minhyunnie... _
> 
> Minhyun: _ I don’t want any of the others to know; I hope you didn’t tell them. I just want it all to fade away. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Of course I didn’t tell them. But if you keep avoiding me and them, they’ll suspect something. Your ‘the dorm is not clean’ pretense can only work for so long. _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ I’ll come by soon when I get time off. I miss you. All of you. _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Good. The dorm’s a mess; we need you! _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ -.- _
> 
> Baekho:  _ kkkkk _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ Did you at least re-organize your closet like I asked??? _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Nah, and not planning to! _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ Why did I even ask… Did you manage to find my green sweater though? _
> 
> Baekho:  _ No, sorry... _
> 
> Minhyun:  _ Where could it have gone :( _
> 
> Baekho:  _ Come by and look for it! Re-organize my closet while you’re at it :) _
> 
> Minhyun: _ Funny. Anyways, I have to go for practice now! Bye! _

-

Green sweater.

Of all the things from that exchange, the green sweater was the one thing that Baekho’s memories were able to latch onto. Everything else, it was as if he were reading them for the first time in reference to event the he did not know about.

He remembered the green sweater. He remembered looking for it. Everything else, however, felt new.

Whatever happened on June 17 2017; that was new.

Minhyun purposely ignoring him; that was new.

Minhyun saying he had feelings for him; that was new.

Baekho  _ not _ admitting to Minhyun that he also had feelings for him; that was new.

Just that green sweater. The only thing he vaguely remembered. And he hated it, because it was the least significant part of their conversation.

Baekho didn’t know why he read that exchange; all it did was make him long for a dead man even more than before. He felt like he had lost something very, very valuable. Something priceless. Something he had seemed to take for granted back then.

Baekho found himself cursing at his past self. Why didn’t he tell Minhyun about his own feelings? Why did he just  _ let _ Minhyun go?

What had he been afraid of? Had Baekho of the past even known that he was in love with Minhyun? Because the Baekho of now certainly did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for taking a whole month to update. writers block sucks the life and motivation to write out of me;;
> 
> BUT the good news is that the writes block has now more or less receded and i think that the next chapter will come sooner. i will try to get the next one out within a week!


	11. Chapter 11

The answers to all of Baekho’s questions didn’t really matter anymore, and he knew he was just giving himself headache and heartache thinking about them. But he couldn’t help but try to remember, try to unpack those memories that he was apparently too traumatized to access.

But however hard he tried, nothing came to his head except the image of that green sweater. An insignificant memory, but the only thing he remembered with clarity.

He recorded what he recalled in his notebook, hoping it would trigger some more.

> _ Minhyun had a green sweater. It was soft and fluffy, and a size bigger than he was. I remember that I wore it too, because it was my size. _
> 
> _ I remember him looking for that sweater in my room. _

Baekho stopped writing, realizing that he could actually envision his room even though he had not seen it since he lost his memories. Before Baekho even had a chance to look around the dorm and see his room yesterday, they had gone on that spontaneous trip to Busan. He still remembered it though: where his bed was, where is closet was, where the windows were, and even how messy it was.

He rolled himself down the hall to where his room was and opened the door. There it was, untouched and exactly how he would imagined he had left it since the accident, messy and almost impossible to navigate in a wheelchair because of all the stuff on the floor.

He looked towards his closet, the one that Minhyun mentioned in the messages.

The door was slightly ajar, and so Baekho could see the disorder inside. Different articles of wrinkled clothing were piled up in a messy mound, and unused hangers were idly suspended over them.

It had been more than two years since Minhyun had asked him to reorganize his closet, but it seemed like Minhyun’s nagging had gone unaddressed until this very moment.

Using the sheathed katana that was also lying on the floor, Baekho tried to clear a path from the doorway to the closet, tempted to find that green sweater among the mess. It felt like a long overdue mission to him now.

As he was throwing articles of clothing aside, another flashback came to him.

> _ I remember myself searching through piles of my own clothing with Minhyun. We were looking for the green sweater together, because he wanted to pack it and take it to his new dorm with Wanna One. _
> 
> _ Then he suddenly told me that he didn’t want to leave. _
> 
> _ “You have to,” I replied. _
> 
> _ “I don’t,” he said. He told me that he wanted to break his contract with Mnet, because he didn’t want to be part of another group. And he was serious when he said it, like he actually intended to do just that. _
> 
> _ I told him that he couldn’t, and I remember trying to smile to lighten him up, because he looked like he wanted to explode into tears. _
> 
> _ “Fuck the contract,” he sputtered as I tried to talk him out of it. “How much will I have to pay to settle it? I’ll pay literally anything, I don’t care!” He took out his phone, saying that he was going to cal the Mnet producers to tell them that he wanted to back out. I remember grabbing his wrists and not letting him. _
> 
> _ “I know it’s really hard for you right now,” I said as I struggled against him to stop him from making a mistake. “But stop being a selfish ass and think about this! This is Mnet, not some random agency. You can’t fuck with them, Minhyun, or else your career, our careers, and all of Pledis is at risk. So don’t take a dumb chance on this just because you’ll miss your friends!” _
> 
> _ Minhyun stopped struggling against me, letting the phone fall to the floor, but I didn’t let go of his wrists in case he still wanted to do something stupid and impulsive. _
> 
> _ “It will be okay. You have a new set of good friends with you,” I tried to reassure him. I remember seeing so much fear and sadness in his eyes; I remember wishing I could do more. _
> 
> _ “But I won’t have you,” he replied in frenzy. I remember seeing him almost tear up, and so I let go of his wrists and pulled him into a hug to calm him down. He hugged me back immediately, very tightly, and wouldn’t let go for a long time. I had to pry myself away after a minute when it seemed he had no intention of letting go. _
> 
> _ I remember we held eye contact for a few seconds before he held my neck and brushed his lips against mine without warning. _
> 
> _ I remember feeling my body go numb. I hadn’t expected that at all. I took a step back to break us apart and asked what he was doing. _
> 
> _ I remember hearing him curse under his breath, and then apologize for doing it. He stormed off into his room. _
> 
> _ He quickly finished packing, said a quick goodbye to everyone, and then left without looking back. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see i told you i would be fast! Anywho i’m actually going to the nu’est concert so i’m probably not going to have much time to write for the next two weeks between preparing for the trip and going all tourist mode, so I ask for your kind understanding ^^
> 
> but the story will come to and end very soon anyways so expect a resolution in maybe one or two (or three or four idk) chapters


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so late im sorry.

It appeared like Baekho’s psychiatric and physiotherapy sessions were both working out quite well for him. He was not only regaining his memories, but also the feeling in his legs. According to the doctors, It wouldn’t be long before Baekho would be back to normal again.

Minki, on the other hand…

In front of his members, Minki tried to put up a strong ‘I’m okay’ front, but he was really broken inside that his physiotherapy sessions didn’t seem to be working, and that his members didn’t really seem to care that much either. They both seemed too preoccupied with Baekho and the struggle that his past with Minhyun was giving him.

It was understandable that Baekho was getting more of the attention, Minki thought. His case was a lot more severe, and the whole Baekho and Minhyun were in love thing was sure to have given the guy a lot of emotional damage that Minki knew could not compare to his own. But still, he was jealous. He wished they would ask about his progress more often. That they would try to give him hope that it’s all a matter of time before he would be able to walk again, too.

For Minki, however, it felt like his members had normalized the situation, and that hurt more than anything else. They never normalized Baekho’s memory loss, and always tried to help him get it back, but Minki’s disability was just a thing that they had come to accept. They made a routine out of visiting him, and rarely ever talked to him about his idle legs, probably because they were afraid it would make him sad.

They, and other people in his life who treated his disability in the same way (as an unfortunate, unspeakable, and permanent tragedy), made Minki himself start to lose hope.

But of all people in his life, there was only one group that helped give him the motivation he needed to not give up.

_ “My sister is a doctor, and she told me that it’s not uncommon for patients to gain feeling in their legs after a long time. They just have to keep trying and work hard. I have confidence that our Ren will be able to overcome it all. Hurry up and fix your legs so we can see you dancing again! We’ll wait for as long as it takes!” _

_ “I’m disabled, so I understand how hard it is. But I want Minki to know that things get better. I hope he will stay positive and happy.” _

_ “Dearest Ren, I know its hard for you right now, but I hope you can gain strength from all our support and loving words. No matter how thorny your path, you kept walking on it. And even though this path you’re now on is the thorniest it’s ever been, I have faith that you will walk through stronger and better than ever toward a the most flowery path you’ve ever seen. We love you, and we’re waiting.” _

_ “My uncle also got into an accident and he lost his ability to walk. But he stayed working with the doctors, and in six months, he was walking normally again. Minki can do it too. We believe in you.” _

Messages like those meant the world to Minki. Unlike his members, friends, and family, his fans were not afraid of talking about his treatment and disability, and that gave him hope when he was starting to lose it.

NU’EST’s whole fate seemed undetermined at this point with Minhyun dead and two members with physical disabilities, and so Ren has just assumed that fans would just drop them. It was so comforting for Ren to see how fans of NU’EST were still there, despite NU’EST’s unending hiatus and recovery period. Many vowed to stay there for as long as it took for NU’EST to come back to them. Even if they disbanded, fans said they would support each member on their next path, whatever it may be.

It was heartwarming, and it helped him through all of his physiotherapy sessions with hope that maybe he will rise above all of this after all.

-

Having his phone meant that Baekho could read all of his messages, but it also meant he could browse the Internet. And the Internet was replete with triggers for Baekho, triggers which included pictures of the accident. And after digging a little deeper, he even found pictures of Minhyun after the accident.

Small wonder that dumb green sweater from his flashback resonated with him so deeply. 

It was the sweater that Minhyun died in.

Baekho couldn’t understand why he was so focused on that sweater as he looked at those photographs. There were many other things in those photos that demanded attention, like all of the blood on Minhyun’s disfigured face, or his dislocated shoulder, broken neck, and crushed legs that made him look like some sort of zombie from a horror movie.

But Baekho could only look at the sweater, because only by focusing on the sweater could Baekho stop himself from looking too much at other parts of the photographs.

Maybe this was what trauma was like, Baekho thought as his fixed his eyes on the green sweater in one the pictures: when your mind tries to remove you from something you’ve experienced so you don’t go mad with grief, anger, hatred, or survivor’s guilt.

It was only a few minutes after seeing those pictures that he felt himself break down as the realization hit him that what he had just seen was the accident,  _ his  _ accident, which had taken so much away from him. It was a tragedy that would haunt him for the rest of his days.

His psychiatrist was right though: it was traumatic for him. Because shortly after confronting that accident was slowly, but gradually, able to reclaim his memories.

The moments that Baekho had shared with NU’EST came back to him in the form of involuntary flashbacks, triggered by the random things he saw around him. From his flashbacks, he felt part of himself slowly re-form again, and that dreaded lightheadedness that had plagued him before was subsiding.

But it wasn’t all positive. There were many parts of himself that he recalled that he wished he never did. Usually, they involved Minhyun.

He recalled that he had been an absolute coward when it came to Minhyun.

Since Minhyun had kissed him, Baekho remembered other little moments they shared together, many of them intimate. Like that time Baekho surprised Minhyun on his birthday (with the help of Daehwi and Guanlin), and showed up at the Wanna One dorm with cake and flowers, and Minhyun hugged him for a moment longer than necessary.

Or that bike ride along Han River a 2AM, which ended in both of them collapsing on the grass together, huddled together for warmth as they talked about the meaning of life and looked at the stars.

Or that day when Baekho had too much to drink, and he ended up feverishly making out with Minhyun against the closet, and waking up after a hangover the next day claiming to not remember anything (which was a lie, because even amnesia couldn’t clear that memory).

Or that time when Minhyun told him he loved him, in all seriousness, with that twinkling longing in his eyes that made it all to clear what he meant by “love,” only for Baekho to laugh it off as some kind of joke.

Or that time when Minhyun drafted lyrics for a song that Baekho had composed, telling Baekho that they were dedicated to him, only for Baekho to pick at the rhythm of the words and tell Minhyun those lyrics, in which Minhyun had poured heart and soul, didn’t suit the music.

That memory was triggered by the very page that Minhyun had given him. It was torn out of a notebook, Minhyun’s neat handwriting etched over it, crossed out words and sentences here and there:

_ It’s okay if our canvas will remain unpainted. _ _  
_ _ It’s okay if my colors don’t suit your art. _

_ I will paint another canvas, _ __  
_ But my heart for you is as stubborn as a grown man’s tears. _ _  
_ __ You won’t leave my eyes, so I suffer as I trap you inside.

_ I long for you. I wish you would long for me too. _ _  
_ _ Like a fool, I offer my love paint for you to take, but you never do. _

It was through lyrics that Baekho was able to gauge the state of their relationship, and Minhyun’s lyrics were just the beginning. The more Baekho re-immersed himself in his forgotten life, the more he realized how central lyric-writing had been to his own life as well.

He used to write lyrics as notes on his phone, and it was through some of lyrics that Baekho finally remebered the state of his relationship with Minhyun.

_ We’re a secret that even we don’t know. _ __  
_ Our hearts are unpainted canvases waiting to see color _ __  
_ Picking up the paintbrush is hard when I’m used to black and white _ _  
_ __ And when I doubt that I want any color at all

_ I’m afraid to pick up the paintbrush, afraid it would end up hurting you _ __  
_ A paintbrush is more than just color, _ __  
_ Mine is quite pointy on the other side and could prick you _ __  
_ It might even paint black over your colors _ _  
_ __ I don’t want to dull your bright heart with my black one

_ I want you to keep smiling for me, keep laughing _ __  
_ Because your happiness matters more than color. _ __  
_ I would much rather see you paint your love on another colorful canvas, _ _  
_ __ Then take your chances on my dull and confused one

So that was what their relationship: intimate, secret, but never amounted to anything more than those little moments because Baekho didn’t want it to. Although Minhyun had taken the initiative to take it further, Baekho had always resisted.

He was resentful and angry at his past self. He wished he could have taken the extra step toward Minhyun, because now it was too late.

-

It was generally a happy time for Aron: Baekho was remembering things. The memories were slow to come back to him, but it was still more progress than ever before.

Aron tried to support his member as much as he could, mostly through listening to what Baekho remembered and validating that it did indeed happen, and filling in the gaps that Baekho was having trouble trying to fill.

But there were obviously things that Baekho was remembering that he wasn’t talking about. It wasn’t hard to guess that given how forlorn Baekho appeared despite making major strides toward overcoming his amnesia. Whenever Aron asked what was wrong, Baekho had just shrugged it off saying it was nothing.

Aron guessed that the issue involved Minhyun. Perhaps there was a lot that Aron personally never knew about Minhyun and Baekho’s relationship, a lot that the two had shared together in private. It wouldn’t be surprising: he’d always thought there was a special spark between them, but he didn’t know how far they’d gone this far in establishing that spark.

But Baekho was always like an open book; he could never keep secrets for too long, and now was no exception. Eventually, Baekho opened up to Jonghyun and Aron and told them everything that he remembered…

That Minhyun suddenly kissed him the day he had to move into Wanna One’s dorm.

That Minhyun ignored Baekho afterwards, afraid to face his actions no matter how angry Baekho got.

That Minhyun had used ‘the dorm is not clean’ only as an excuse not to visit them, when actually, he was just too embarrassed and afraid to face Baekho.

That Baekho got so angry at Minhyun, that he also refused to speak to him.

That their next encounter happened at his father’s grave, when Minhyun took a flight all the way to Jeju just to apologize. It was in that encounter that Baekho made it clear where he stood, made it clear that he deemed Minhyun a friend, his  _ best _ friend.

That despite that friend-zone, Baekho did love Minhyun. A lot.

That this mutual love had generated other intimate moments between them, including more kisses, heart-to-heart conversations, and confessions.

That Baekho always shut any potential romance down, no matter what.

That he felt like he had played with Minhyun’s heart because he was a coward and a fool, afraid of the prospect of being in relationship with a man, and the prospect that it could ruin their friendship if it didn’t work.

That he regretted this so much. That he wished he could go back in time and tell Minhyun that he loved him too. That he regretted missing the opportunity to make Minhyun feel happy and fulfilled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much angst!
> 
> anyways there is just ONE more chapter. it was meant to be a part of this chapter, but i felt like the chapter break at this point was necessary.
> 
> I have already written out this chapter, I just need to edit it a bit, so please wait for a few days and I will upload it and finally mark this story complete. Thank you again for reading ad supporting even throughout my months of no updates ^^"


	13. Chapter 13

_ “Death is scary,” Baekho had told Minhyun when they were waiting for Minhyun’s airplane back to Seoul. They had just come from visiting Baekho’s father’s grave in Jeju. “It’s like… so final. An entire existe _ _ nce just… ends, you know? Thinking that it happened to my dad… I feel like my life will never be the same again.” _

_ “Death is only scary because we don’t think about it very much,” Minhyun replied. “When it happens, it just feels like a blow. But, it’s just a fact of life, and it will happen to everyone. When it happens to the people we love, we have to stop letting it control us and move forward.” _

_ Baekho had heard that before time and time again. But it was so much easier said than done, and no one had ever given him concrete steps on how to do it. “Tell me... how do I move forward?” _

_ “Well, for one, focus on the present. On the people you have with you now. Think about them, and be happy that you have them. I think that’s a good way to start.” _

_ Baekho followed those instructions, and focused on the person with him in that very moment. _

_ Hwang Minhyun. _

_ Minhyun who had moles on his neck. Minhyun who was beautiful. Minhyun who had eyes that smiled. Minhyun who made him feel more at home than anyone else in the world. _

_ Minhyun, who he felt like he loved more than anyone else in the world. _

_ “I think your method is working,” Baekho said quietly. It was dark outside, so Minhyun probably didn’t notice how Baekho was gazing at him. _

_ Minhyun smiled. “You’ll soon love being alive again, Dongho. I know you will.” _

-

Jonghyun was doing much better now. After visiting his hometown for a few weeks for the first time since the accident, he got a much-needed break from all the hospital turmoil that reminded him of sad things. For just a little while, he was able to disconnect from all of the sickness and grieving, and it really helped.

He would have stayed longer than two weeks, but it was Minhyun’s birthday soon, and he wanted to be with his members when he celebrated it. They had actually planned to hold a small gathering in his memory, inviting members of Wanna One and some staff.

When he arrived at their dorm the day before the planned celebration, he was met with the sight of Aron holding Baekho’s arm as Baekho successfully took a few steps forward. Jonghyun smiled happily at the sight.

Baekho was progressing well with his treatments. He no longer needed a wheelchair, and could walk comfortably for a short distance with crutches. Not only was he now able to walk again, but he also no longer needed therapy, as he had recovered most of his memories.

Everything was finally coming together for him.

After greeting his two members, he looked around for Minki. The maknae was supposed to have been discharged from the hospital for a few days and celebrate with them. At least, that’s what they had planned.

“He’s still at the hospital,” Aron told him. “He said he has physiotherapy and will join when he’s done.”

Jonghyun nodded. Honestly, he had not heard very much from Minki over the past few weeks, but he was generally aware that Minki’s prospects were not as bright as Baekho’s when it came to his legs. The doctors had all said that it was difficult to say when and if Minki will ever be able to walk again.

Minki had always been a positive and energetic person, but ever since the accident, that positvity seemed to have been drained from him. He was no longer as crazy and as spirited as before, no longer as charged with with the radiant energy that had made him Choi Ren.

The only thing that Jonghyun could do for him was try, as best as he could, to be as optimistic as possible with Minki. He tried to not talk to him about Minhyun, or Baekho’s amnesia, or the accident, or his disability. Instead, he tried to talk to Minki about things that he loved: music, fashion, movies, and LOVEs. But no matter how hard Jonghyun tried to keep Minki happy, it was like Minki was just depressed beyond repair these days.

Jonghyun could only hope that this would change soon, and that Minki would learn to be happy again within his new life.

The three boys proceeded to decorate the dorm for the upcoming celebration. They had planned to cover the walls in everything Minhyun: posters, picture frames, fanart, and more.

By the time they finished these preparations, Minki was still not there.

Soon, the guests had started to arrive, but still no sign of Minki.

Jonghyun began to worry. He didn’t believe that Minki would willingly miss something like this, which Jonghyun had deemed an important event for Minhyun’s memory. The fact he was already so late must have meant that something was not right.

He called Minki, who answered after a few rings.

“Minki!”

“ _ Hi Jonghyun _ .  _ Welcome back! _ ” Minki replied weakly in between heavy breaths. He sounded very tired.

“Are you okay?”

“ _ I’m okay! But.. I don’t think I want to come to the party today _ .”

“Tired?”

“ _ Yeah _ .  _ I am.” _

“I would really like it if you came,” Jonghyun told him. “You can sleep here. I don’t want you to miss this. Everyone’s here and...”

“ _ The truth is my face is ugly from all the drugs I’ve been taking for my treatment. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Please Jonghyun, just let me miss it this time, okay? _ ”

“You can never be ugly, Minki…”

Minki laughed weakly. “ _ You haven’t seen me. I look like a sick zombie. I can send you a picture, but I’m afraid you’ll blackmail me with it in the future _ !”

“Are you  _ sure _ you don’t want to come?”

“ _ I’m positive. I’ll be there tomorrow though, okay _ ?  _ I actually have something important to tell you all! _ ”

Despite the tiredness, Ren did sound more cheerful than usual, which was good, but Jonghyun couldn’t help but worry that Ren was just acting that way to not upset him. The fact that he was missing this celebration was enough indication that something was…  _ off _ . Jonghyun didn’t think that tiredness would be what would keep Minki away from such an imporantant event.

Jonghyun made a note to try to talk to Minki later. For now, he tried to not think about it, not wanting to put a damper on the delicate happy atmosphere between all of the guests. The plan was that this would be a  _ happy _ celebration of Minhyun’s life, and Jonghyun was determined to keep it that way.

And indeed, it stayed that way. Everyone left with smiles on their faces and the memory of Minhyun’s cheerful personality on their minds. Jonghyun just wished Minki had been there with them too.

-

When Baekho woke up the following morning after the party, he found that Minki had already arrived.

It had been a few days since Baekho had last seen him, and it felt like Minki looked worse every time. His face was paler, and his skin looked pimpled, peeled, and dirty. It was obvious that he was not taking care of himself like before.

Baekho was worried. It has been months since Minki began his treatments, shouldn’t Minki at least look a little more  _ fresh _ ? More normal? For himself at least, Baekho had seen how time had done its part in re-polishing his appearance since the accident. His wounds have more or less healed; he was finally using face cream again; he was shaving properly. Even his frame of mind had improved, and that was certainly reflected in the way he held himself: better posture and more frequent smiles. He was in a much better state now than he was since the accident; but the same did not seem to apply to Minki.

As Baekho neared to greet him, Baekho noticed that Ren’s eyes were glued to the floor, refusing to look up. It was as if her were afraid of catching sight of Minhyun, whose posters were plastered all over the dorm, remnants from yesterday’s celebration.

“Good morning,” Baekho told his member with a smile. “We missed you yesterday.”

Minki shrugged. Eyes still on the floor, he replied: “I’m glad I missed it, to be honest. My face isn’t really prepared for a party.”

At the sound of Minki’s voice, Aron emerged from his room and lunged toward Minki to hug him, welcoming him home. Jonghyun followed shortly after, who looked more concerned about him than happy to see him.

“Now that you two are awake, please take down all of the posters,” he requested, pointing at all of the Minhyun faces around them.

Something was wrong with Minki, and not just because of his uncharacteristically imperfect face, or his slouched back, and broken spirit. It was the way he asked them to take down Minhyun’s images, as if they really and truly bothered him to the point even looking at them bothered him

“Are you okay, Rennie?” Aron asked, kneeling down on his knees to catch Minki’s downcast eyes.

“I’ll be fine,” he answered. “Just a little tired, that’s all.”

Aron didn’t push any farther. He stood up and helped Jonghyun take the posters down, every once in a while looking over his shoulder to see Minki with his eyes still glued to the floor.

“Hey, look at me,” Baekho said, coming closer to Minki.

Ren lifted his head slightly and forced himself to smile. “I’m okay, don’t worry about me.” He took a deep breath. “How was the party yesterday?”

“It turned out well,” Baekho answered, trying to help Minki forget about whatever negative thoughts made him look so tense.

“What did you guys do?” Minki asked.

“Talked about Minhyun, ate his favorite foods, played his favorite songs…”

“And what did you gain from doing all of that?”

Baekho narrowed his eyes; it would have been an innocent question, but Minki almost sounded  _ bitter _ when he asked it. That underlying resentment made Baekho feel very uncomfortable.

“It’s a way to remember him…” Aron answered in Baekho’s place. He’d clearly caught on to Minki’s undertones as well. “Now please tell us what’s bothering you? Why do you seem so unhappy with… with everything?”

“Because I am unhappy, hyung,” Ren drawled with a broken voice. “How can I be happy when everyone’s so obsessed with the past…” Minki trailed off. He looked like he was about to cry, but he gulped it in and continued speaking. “All everyone seems to care about these days is ‘remembering’ Minhyun, thinking about Minhyun, holding celebrations in Minhyun’s memory... It seems like it’s all you guys ever talk about. And I get it. I loved him too, but… I’m sorry. I’m sorry...”

The only sound that followed Minki’s outburst was that of the poster in Jonghyun’s hand slipping to the floor. Everyone was too startled to speak. None of them expected to hear anything like that from Minki. It felt like they were being called out on something they never even realized was wrong in the first place.

“It’s always about Minhyun,” Minki tried to explain, even though he looked so guilty for saying it. “Ever since the accident, it’s always about him. And if it’s not about Minhyun, it was about Baekho forgetting Minhyun.I know it’s important to remember him and all, but I just wish you guys would stop thinking about him for just one minute and remember  _ me _ instead _. _ ”

Aron was the only one who was able to speak in spite of the shock. “Minki, you are  _ always _ on all of our minds.”

“But I’m really not,” Minki replied. “You guys don’t even know…” he voice faltered.

“What don’t we know?” Aron asked.

Minki opened his mouth to speak, but then decided against it. Instead, he slowly, and with some difficulty, pulled himself up from his wheelchair.

Minki was  _ standing _ .

Aron’s eyes widened; Jonghyun nearly gasped; and Baekho’s jaw dropped. They had all thought that Minki had completely lost feeling in his legs, and that the prospects of him standing again were unlikely. That’s what all the doctors had told them anyways.

But there he was, standing, and none of the them had known that he could.

Minki carefully lowered himself back into the chair. “I know you all had your own personal heartaches to deal with, and I know I shouldn’t have expected you to give me any attention, but I can’t help but feel hurt that no one even asked about my treatments and...”

Jonghyun cut him off by wrapping his arms around his shoulders and spewing incessant apologies in his direction.

Aron, whose eyes were still wide with shock, just stared at Minki with confusion. “H...how?” Aron stammered.

“I signed myself up to be a test subject for a new treatment, and it’s working,” Minki explained to them. “None of you knew about it…”

“Minki that’s… that’s amazing!” Aron said. “I…I don’t even know what to say.”

None of them really knew what to say at that point. It was moment of so many emotions, shock, confusion, happiness, and guilt. For Baekho, it was guilt that really overcame him as he reacted to everything that Minki had revealed. He felt like the greatest perpetrator of Minki’s unhappiness, because if anyone was guilty of dwelling too much on the past, on Minhyun, it was definitely him. For last few weeks, Minhyun had consumed so much of his thoughts, that he was indeed negligent when it came to other people in his life that were also important to him, including Minki.

“The doctor said that in a few weeks, I wouldn’t need a wheelchair anymore,” he told them. His tone had shifted when he said it: softer, not reproaching anymore. There was even a hint of a smile on his lips, a smile that they were so relieved to see after all of the sadness Minki had expressed.

Minki then took Jonghyun’s arms, which had still been wrapped around his shoulders, and pulled them away. When Jonghyun pulled back, he caught Minki’s eyes, which made it clear that the maknae had something to say to him.

“Jonghyun, the doctor said I’ll be able to dance again soon,” Minki told him. “I’ll be able to go one stage again…”

Each of them caught onto what Minki was alluding to. What he wanted. Why he was saying it to Jonghyun specifically. Their leader. The leader of NU’EST.

“I want to dance again. I want to sing again. I want to be on stage again,” Minki said. “I want us to promote as NU’EST again. Our fans have waited long enough, don’t you think?”

Minki said it as if it were a meek suggestion, as if he were treading carefully with his words, afraid he would offend his members by even thinking such a thing.

The idea of promoting again had not even crossed Baekho’s mind for a long time, and to be honest, Baekho could not help the uneasy feeling in his gut about the prospect.

“There is no NU’EST without him,” Baekho said.

“But there is NU’EST W,” Ren replied. 

“W meant we were were waiting for Minhyun to come back. What would we be waiting for now?”

Minki hesitated with the answer to that.

“We’re waiting until we reunite with Minhyun, of course,” Aron answered on his behalf. “It’ll just take a bit longer than we initially expected. A lifetime longer, to be more precise.” With that, Aron had expressed his agreement with Ren’s suggestion, and Ren seemed delighted.

Ren smiled at Aron, and then turned to see if Jonghyun and Baekho would express similar sentiments.

“I’m in,” Jonghyun answered quietly, and then turned to Baekho.

Baekho didn’t know if he was okay going back to “normal” after everything that happened. It felt somehow wrong, as if they were  _ moving on _ from Minhyun. Forgetting him all over again.

Then again, perhaps that was exactly what they needed to do. Exactly what Minki was beckoning them to do.

It was painful for Baekho to think about. Painful to come to terms with. He didn’t understand how Aron, Minki, and Jonghyun found it so easy. For Baekho, it felt like a betrayal.

“What was the most precious thing in the world to Minhyun?” Ren asked Baekho when he sensed his hesitation.

Baekho knew the answer to that immediately; he’d read far too many of those sappy interviews of the past where Minhyun had answered that question confidently on multiple occasions: “NU’EST.”

“Exactly,” Minki said. “So maybe the best way to keep his memory alive is not to throw parties on his birthday and cry about him whenever we can. The best way to keep his memory alive is to keep NU’EST alive. Don’t you agree?”

That was a totally different way of looking at it. But it wasn’t really that which persuaded Baekho to nod his head and express his agreement. It was just the way that Minki was looking at him, with unbridled desperation, as if everything was hinging on Baekho’s compliance. Baekho could not bring himself to disappoint him.

As precious as Minhyun was to him, there were other things in his life that were also precious, and the more he thought about them, the more sure he became.

His other members were precious. His music was precious. His fans were precious. And all of those things led back to what Ren was proposing. And if that felt like a betrayal, then so be it. Ren was right; perhaps it was time to let go of that obsessive desire to never put Minhyun behind them.

He nodded his head towards Ren, making Ren smile the brightest, most genuine smile Baekho had ever seen from him since the accident.

Sometimes, things just  _ feel _ right. And right then, Baekho felt like everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. There was this sense of unspoken rapport between the four present members that took the form of silence and small, content smiles. t had been way too long since the four of them smiled at the same time, together.

  
  


 

_ “Tell me... how do I move forward?” _

_ “Well, for one, focus on the present. On the people you have with you now. Think about them, and be happy that you have them. I think that’s a good way to start.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have no idea how many times I rewrote this chapter right here. I tried really hard to get the flow right but it just wasn’t working and I still don’t think it worked and I’m not sure I captured Minki’s character well enough and made you understand what was running through his head and maybe the emo aspect of this was too cheesy but honestly I kinda just gave up with it at one point because I got tired of it tbh ^^’
> 
> Anyways, this is the final chapter! Thank you for joining me on this angsty emo ride and I hope you enjoyed the pain as much as I did :)
> 
> (NOTE: i'm gonna post a deleted scenes chapter after this just because i have a ton written out already that never got to see the light of day in this story. just in case anyone is interested!)


	14. DELETED SCENES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are all deleted scene that were supposed to be a part of the story but never made it. Note that they will make no logical sense in order. Also note that they're incomplete + not proofread + maybe kinda lame. There's a reason they never made it!
> 
> You'll notice that most of the deleted scenes are from the final 3-4 chapters... because those were the hardest to write therefore took the longest to update ^^"
> 
> The parts where Minhyun is alive were supposed to be like flashbacks.

Minhyun often appeared in Baekho’s dreams. He was exactly how Baekho remembered him: tall, beautiful, cheerful, flirty, and irritating.

“ _ I love you, Minhyunnie,”  _ Baekho once told him in one of those dreams.

In response, dream versionf of Minhyun, just laughed that loud, dorky laugh of his. “ _ Well, you’re a little late!” _

_ “I know. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back in time.” _

“ _ I guess it just was never meant to be between us!”  _ dream Minhyun was smiling as he said it.

_ “Why do you make that sound so final?” _

_ “I’m not coming back from the dead, Baekho,” _ dream Minhyun laughed, a teasing smile on his lips. “ _ I’m buried like six feet underground. I probably smell really bad too!” _

Somehow, Minhyun always made the world feel so much happier than it actually was. He made the most miserable situations sound so  _ normal _ ,so  negligible, and not worth all of the sadness and heartache that Baekho had come to associate with them.

Even after he died, Minhyun slithered into his dreams and made his own death seem so inconsequential, as if it were just another trifling event in the course of life, one that he can joke about so easily.

“ _ When I die, we’ll meet again,”  _ Baekho replied. _ “Billions of people around the world believe there’s an afterlife. They can’t all be wrong, right? _ ”

“ _ Even if that were the case, are you going to wait for me until you die? Baekho, you can’t even wait 40 minutes for your food orders to arrive!”  _ dream MInhyun quipped.

_ “But I’ll wait for you. You’re worth the wait.” _

_ “So is fried chicken, but you still tear your hair out waiting for it. And your love for me does not even come close to fried chicken!” _

_ “Hey, I can be patient...” _

_ “Just let me go, Baek!”  _ dream Minhyun said, still smiling. _ “You can’t stay single and celibate all your life waiting for me!” _

_ “I don’t think I can feel the same way about anyone else though.” _

_ “You said the exact same thing about that fried chicken place next to our building, until you fell in love with that other place downtown!” _

That was usually always how these dreams played out: Minhyun always appeared to him in this way: happy, laid back, and playful. Exactly how Baekho remembered him.

No matter how tragic or depressing the past events have been, they never changed Baekho’s impression of Minhyun. They never took away from his legacy as the bright and pleasant person that Baekho had fallen in love with.

-

Minki rolled himself to a picture framed on one of the tables. It was a picture of all five of them when they had rented out a room in a resort in Japan using money they had all pooled in together.

“I miss this,” Minki said with a hearty sigh before putting the picture face down on the table again. “When will Aron and Jonghyun wake up so they can take down all these stupid pictures.”

“Hey, they’re not stupid!” Baekho feigned offense.

“Well, they make my heart hurt,” Minki replied, eyes now on the floor, refusing to look up as if afraid he would catch sight of Minhyun again.

-

“Where would you be without me?” Minhyun asked Baekho as he helped baekho straighten his hair.

“Wearing a cap, probably,” Baekho replied, laughing. “I still think a cap is a better idea.”

“No! Do you want your date to get the wrong impression?” Minhyun asked he pinned a straightened strand of hair to the side.

Baekho was going out on a date for the first time in a very long time, and he had initially planned to wear a cap to cover the frizzy mess that was his hair. However, Minhyun talked him out of it, saying he would look too “lazy” and his date would think he didn’t put in effort for her.

“You act like your the dating expert,” Baekho laughed. “Have you ever even been on a date before in your life?”

“I’m a single mom of four kids. Don’t have time to date,” Minhyun quipped, as he pinned down another strand of Baekho’s hair.

Baekho laughed.

“Stop laughing, you’re messing up your hair!”

“Yes mom,” Baekho said, trying to hold in his laugh.

“So, where are you gonna take her?”

“I was thinking maybe the river. I just want to talk and get to know her you know?”

“That sounds fun.”

“I also kinda wanna try kissing her. Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Well, it depends,” Minhyun said. “If you really like her and think you want to stay with her for a really long time, then do it. If you have doubts, then don’t. You can’t just kiss her for the sake of kissing her.”

“I do like her though. She’s really pretty.”

“It’s not about how pretty she is,” Minhyun said. “Can you talk with her comfortably? Can you laugh with her? Do you want to spend time with her? Do you feel this urge to take care of her? Things like that...”

“Wow, you talk like you have a lot of experience.”

“Just because I don’t date doesn’t mean I haven’t about kissing someone before!”

Baekho smirked. “Ooo, who’s the lucky girl?”

Minhyun blushed a little, then shook his head.

“What? Is it a secret?” Baekho said.

“Hold still!” Minhyun said, pulling Baekho’s hair a little. Clearly trying to change the subject.

Baekho pulled his head away, “tell me!”

“You’re ruining your hair!”

“If you don’t tell me who it is, I’ll wear a cap to my date. Tell me!”

Minhyun grunted and crossed his arms, “do you want your date to think your’e a lazy ass?”

“Who did you think about kissing?! Tell me!”

Minhyun let out a deep sigh and then turned to Baekho. “You,” he answered.

“Haha, very funny,” Baekho crossed his arms. “Be serious! Who is it?”

Minhyun just smiled. “That noona who works in the cafe down the street,” he responded.

That was an answer that Baekho seemed to expect and want. He grinned, and proceeded to tease his member about her, who quietly accepted the jabs as he carried on styling Baekho’s hair.

-

Baekho sincerely loved Minhyun, and his birthday celebration just reaffirmed that. Hearing other people’s experiences of Minhyun made Baekho feel overwhelmed with this longing to keep Minhyun’s memory alive forever. That man was really as kind, as bright, and as delightful as Baekho now remembered.

He was dead now though.

That dreary thought often crept up into Baekho’s happiest memories with Minhyun, and it ruined the bliss of it all. However, as the thought came to him more and more, Baekho found he was becoming a lot better at handling it.

He began to realize what it meant when people say that “time heals all wounds.” The wound will always be there, but as time passes, you get more and more practice dealing with it and eventually you adjust.

Baekho had adjusted, but that did not mean he was over Minhyun. Minhyun was still consuming most of his thoughts, still his most preferred topic of conversation. Even now, as Jonghyun and Aron were cleaning up the dorm after the party, he wanted to casually talk to them about how Minhyun would hum songs while he cleaned, and how the songs he hummed depended on his mood.

Before he had the chance to voice those thoughts, however,  the front door opened, and Minki rolled himself inside with his wheelchair.

The guy looked more drained and tired than ever before. His face was pale, and his skin was not nearly as flawless as Baekho had remembered. Pimpled, peeled, and dirty, it was obvious that he was no taking care of himself like before.

“We missed you yesterday,” Jonghyun told Minki after greeting him. “How are you?”

“How do I look?” Minki said, pointing at his face. His voice sounded tired, scratchy and low.

“Sorry we all left you alone here,” Jonghyun said. Each of them had gone back him the past two weeks, and Minki was the only one who had to remain in Seoul to finish his treatments.

“Don’t be. I’m happy you all got to spend time with your families. I also kind of needed a break from all of you, so it was good for me too!” Minki said it sarcastically, but Baekho could not help but detect that he was actually being serious.

Jonghyun didn’t seem to notice that, because he went on to say that he was going to make sure Minki also got to go home to Busan soon.

Minki frowned and shook his head. “No. I absolutely do  _ not _ want to go to Busan.”

Aron narrowed his eyes. “Don’t you want to see your family?”

“My family has all visited me here. I’ve seen them. And I don’t want to go to Busan, because that’s where a certain someone is buried and I want his dead ass as far away from me as possible!”

The way Minki said it made everyone freeze. It did not sound as sarcastic as it should have sounded; there seemed to be legitimate cold feelings underlying those words that Minki had never expressed, or never dared to. 

“What are you saying?” Baekho finally spoke up. It hurt him more than anyone else to hear Minhyun being referred to like that: like he was nothing but some sort of burdensome phantom.

Minki seemed to regret that brief outburst and his face turned guilty and he tried to explain himself: “I just… I don’t want to be tempted to visit him,” Minki mumbled, “I don’t want to cry anymore about this accident. I don’t want it to bring me down any farther than it already has.”

“It’s okay Minki; we understand,” Jonghyun responded.

“You clearly don’t understand anything,” Minki said as his eyes scanned the dorm, which was decked with Minhyun posters and Minhyun things everywhere from last night’s celebration.

Everyone fell quiet, looking at Minki with offended, confused, and sorry looks plastered across their faces. Minki was expressing something that none of them quite understood at this point: Minki was being resentful of Minhyun’s memory, and it made everyone uncomfortable.

“It’s always about Minhyun,” Minki tried to explain, even though he looked so guilty for saying it. “Ever since the accident, it’s always about Minhyun. And if it’s not about Minhyun, it was about Baekho forgetting Minhyun. And now that he remembered, you guys want to celebrate Minhyun. And I get it. I loved him too, you know. And it’s important to remember him. But I just wish you guys would forget him for just one minute and remember  _ me _ instead _. _ ”

-

Every now and then, when something from that episode at his father’s grave came up, he would add a bullet point under that entry to record it.

 

  * __I remember that I was surprised to see him at first. I didn’t expect him to be in Jeju at all, let alone at my father’s grave.__


  * _I remember he had full makeup, and was wearing his performance costume. He had just flown in directly from one of his schedules._


  * _I remember him telling me that it was my mother that led him to me._


  * _I remember telling him that he should start replying to my texts, and he said he was afraid to._


  * _I remember that I had many mosquito bites on my arm, and so he made me wear his jacket._


  * _I remember when we sat on the ground after being tired of standing too long, and his costume got soiled from the dirt. I paid attention to that, because I was afraid that his cordi-noonas would yell at him for it._



___ - _ _ _

It was hard, but...

As the most religious person among his members, Aron felt like he dealt with loss a lot better than the rest, because for him, death was not the end. Death is only the transition from one life to another. For Aron, he had faith that Minhyun, as a good person, will be able to reunite with everyone he loved and cherished in an impending afterlife. As he told Baekho of that belief, Baekho nodded.

“I choose to believe that too,” he said with a nod. That hope was all that Baekho needed to heave a final strained sigh, and decide to move on.

-

Like that broken bathroom doorknob, which he remembered he had forcefully tried to turn one night when he was drunk and upset by rumors people were spreading about him. He remembered that it was Minhyun who had been behind that bathroom door that night, standing in front of the mirror without a shirt on. Baekho was surprised to see him there, because Wanna One had a concert coming up and Baekho expected Minhyun would be too busy to drop by.

“You’re here,” Baekho slurred as coherently as his twisted tongue could manage.

“You broke the knob!” Minhyun pointed out as he neared to inspect the damage. “You’ve been drinking?”

“No,” Baekho lied.

“I don’t like when you lie.”

“I don’t like you,” Baekho replied

“Another lie,” Minhyun stated with cheeky confidence. “You /love/ me.”

At that, Baekho fell silent, and his flickered over Minhyun’s chest. More defined and toned than it had ever been, Baekho was truly taken aback. He knew that Minhyun had been working very hard on his diet and with his regimen to impress his fans during the upcoming Wanna One concert, but he really had not expected Minhyun to succeed.

“Like what you see?” Minhyun clicked his tongue cheekily and pointed at his impressively toned abdomen.

Yes, Baekho liked what he saw. More than he was comfortable admitting even to himself. He never felt this way about men’s bodies before, but for Minhyun it was different. For Baekho, every part of Minhyun held a special status it seemed.

Baekho couldn’t tear his eyes away, and when Minhyun slipped on his shirt, all Baekho could think about was taking it off again and running his fingers against his member’s bare chest and...

“Baekho, what’s wrong?” Minhyun asked.

Yes, something was definitely wrong with him.

“Talk to me.”

Baekho only quickly turned around and went into his room, slamming the door behind him hard, making it very clear he did not want Minhyun to follow.

-

As many of those memories came back to him, Baekho felt so alone, because the person he had shared them with was gone forever, and the other three didn’t seem aware . Baekho did try to ask Aron once if there was anything between him and Minhyun that Aron found unusual, and Aron just answered: “as far as I know, you two were like best friends. I always felt like you could have been even more than that, but I never witnessed anything to suggest that.”

“I remember things though,” Baekho would tell him.

-

Jonghyun was doing slightly better, he thought. He was no longer driven mad by the thought of Minhyun, and even a little relieved that Baekho knew the truth, even if he didn’t remember it.

It was just a few days after that impromptu trip to Busan that Jonghyun woke up feeling happy for the first time since the accident. He felt hopeful and high-spirited for once, like things were heading in the right direction, like the past was behind them.

He left his room and found Baekho sitting there in the living room, writing in his notebook. It made Jonghyun happy to see Baekho write in that notebook, because it meant that things were coming back to him.

“Good morning,” Jonghyun said, a hint of a smile on his lips.

Baekho returned the greeting, but didn’t stop writing. JR glanced at the page but Baekho quickly covered it with his hand.

Raising an eyebrow, Jonghyun eyed Baekho curiously. This was the first time he had seen Baekho so… secretive.

“A secret?” Jonghyun asked, not wanting to make a big deal out of it.

“Yes,” Baekho said, but he looked uncertain. “I think it’s a secret.”

“You  _ think _ ?”

“I…” he trailed off. “Minhyun told me not to tell any of you.”

Jonghyun narrowed his eyes, not quite understanding. “You remembered Minhyun telling you that?”

“I remembered  _ something _ ,” Baekho explained.

“We never kept secrets from one another, Baekho,” he replied doubtfully.

“I think this was a secret, though.”

Jonghyun shrugged, “I think I know more than you think I do. Try me.” He took a seat beside Baekho, who closed the notebook quickly.

“If Minhyun didn’t want me to tell you, I won’t.”

“That he kissed you?” Jonghyun tried.

“You…”

“I know. And so does Aron and Minki. Like I said, we never kept secrets from one another.”

“But I thought that…”

“It was a kiss, Baekho. It never amounted to anything more than that, even if you both wished that it would.”

-

“Do you remember when you went to the Wanna One dorm a year ago for Minhyun’s birthday?” Aron asked Baekho suddenly as he was clearing out some flower decorations from yesterday’s celebration.

Baekho nodded. He remembered it for sure: buying flowers and a cake, surprising Minhyun there, seeing the happiness in his eyes… the fact it was only a year ago made Baekho feel numb. It felt like forever ago at this point.

“Do you remember what you told me when you got back the next morning?” Aron asked.

Baekho narrowed his eyes. He didn’t remember, and he wasn’t sure if that was a lasting effect of his amnesia or just general human forgetfulness.

“You told me that Minhyun seemed to like flowers a lot, because he loved the flowers you bought for him.”

Baekho did not remember saying that at all, because now that he thought about it, he remembered that Minhyun didn’t like flowers at all because they gave him allergies sometimes. He remembered how whenever they received flowers in any of the events they attended, he would never hold them and ask the members to keep them as far away from him as possible.

He turned to Aron with narrowed eyes. “He… he hated flowers.”

Aron nodded, seeming happy that Baekho remembered that detail. “That was when I started to realize that you guys really loved each other; you knew he hated flowers and brought some for him anyway, and he hated flowers but loved them from you anyway. So I understood that it was never about the flowers; it was about the flowers meant when they are exchanged between two people who love each other. That’s why it meant so much to Minhyun, even though he probably got allergies from them the next morning.”

Baekho smiled briefly. He had never thought of that memory in that way before.

“I remember I once brought flowers to give to Wanna One to congratulate them for winning a daesang, and Minhyun literally scolded me for being inconsiderate of his allergies!” Jonghyun said, smiling at the memory. “I wish I got you to give it to them instead!” he laughed.

-

She stood up from her desk and took a seat on a chair in front of Baekho.

“I want you to ask me questions right now. Any question at all, and I swear I’ll answer it to the best of my ability. Ask me questions that will help you remember. There’s just one rule: I won’t tell you your memories.”

“Okay then, do you know Hwang Minhyun?” Baekho immediately asked.

“I do,” she answered.

“Who is he to me?”

“Beep. Sorry, no. Can’t answer that. I can’t tell you your memories, remember?”

“Do you know who he is to me, then?” Baekho asked.

“I’m a psychiatrist, Dongho. Not a friend. I know some things, but not everything.”

“Does Minhyun have a mole on his neck?” Baekho asked her suddenly.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I never paid that much attention to his neck.”

“Why do I know that he has a mole on his neck? That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Maybe you remembered him.”

“Have you ever had a patient like me… who forgot someone but then remembered every little detail about them?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Many, actually. Usually that happens when the two were _very_ close before the memory loss and knew each other for a long time. Maybe they were married, or were dating for a really long time, or are very close friends or siblings.”

Baekho narrowed his eyes.

-

There was act lot on Baekho’s mind right now. A turbulent mass of thoughts about this Minhyun, whose face, smile, personality, voice, name (even his _moles_ for crying out loud) were tingling eve

-

Tell me, who was Hwang Minhyun to me?”

“Tell me what you remember, and I promise I’ll tell you everything,” Aron said.

“I don’t _remember_ anything,” Baekho grunted. “Actually, scratch that. I remember the stupid moles on his neck. Do you have any moles? Does Minki? Or Jonghyun?”

“Minki has a mole on his cheek and….”

“I don’t remember that! But I remember Minhyun’s moles. Their exact placement and size. How crazy is that?”

Aron fell silent.

“Hyung, this Minhyun… how close were we exactly?” Baekho asked.

“Very close,” Aron replied. “Like, as close as two friends could be.”

“Are you saying we were _just_ friends?” Baekho asked.

Aron registered what Baekho was implying, and felt himself at a loss for words. “I… uh… yes. Just friends.”

“Really?” Baekho asked. “Because I don’t think… I feel like…”

“You love him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you actually read this, thank you lol
> 
> hope you enjoyed it? kinda?


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